Wednesday Martin

Fourteen days until Valentine’s Day. What does this holiday mean for those of us in a remarriage or repartnership with children?

Over the next 14 days check in for posts about love, sex, romance, passion, and power in a remarriage with children.

Today you can check out my article for StepMom Magazine: “Get It On–Sex and the Woman with Stepkids.” Yes, you’ll have to subscribe to StepMom Magazine to read it–but it’s well worth it. Look for other articles by Mary Kelly-Williams of www.marriedwithbaggage.com, Susan Wisdom of Stepcoupling fame, the fantastic Jacque Fletcher, the witty La Belle Mere, and more. Have a look:
http://www.stepmommag.com/

If you live in Boulder or have a friend who does, be sure to check out the Stepmonster support group run by therapist Mary Kelly-Williams of www.marriedwithbaggage.com

Mary knows stepfamily issues and can help. She also does stepmother coaching via phone and Skype. Check out the meet-up link:

http://www.meetup.com/Stepmoms-AKA-Step-Monsters/calendar/12096233/?a=nr1o_grp&rv=nr1o

Did you ever confide in your best girlfriend about some aspect of stepfamily life that was driving you insane–rejecting, rude stepkids come to mind–only to find her looking at you like you were the Wicked Queen from Disney’s Snow White? It really, really hurts when a trusted confidante doesn’t get where you’re coming from–or, even worse, judges you. Jacque Fletcher has taken on the task of writing up just how to be a good and supportive friend to a woman with stepkids. Pass it along to anyone you think needs to know! Also check out the podcast in which Jacque and I dish about what a good girlfriend shouldn’t say to her stepmom pal: “Don’t take it personally!”

How to be a Stepmom’s Friend by Jacque Fletcher:
http://becomingastepmom.wordpress.com/2010/01/05/how-to-be-a-stepmoms-friend/

Stepmom Circles Podcast: Jacque and Wednesday discuss how it makes a stepmom feel to be told “Don’t take it personally” by people who have no clue–and how to overcome the frustration of being misunderstood:
http://www.cyberears.com/index.php/Browse/playaudio/8065

I have three quick tips for you today, culled from experts including stepmothers in the trenches.

As the holidays get into high gear, the following three steps can help…

1. Bulwark PL advises: “Spend holiday time with your girlfriends.” Great advice. And sound. The women with stepchildren I interviewed for my book often described feeling outnumbered and overwhelmed at “all family” events if they didn’t live near their own family of origin or bring kids of their own to the mix. In my book I describe it as “barnacle syndrome”–the single, childless woman marries the guy with kids, an ex, and in-laws in town–and promptly feels out of her element, or like an Outsider, regardless of how warm and welcoming the other players are. These feelings tend to ebb as our partnerships strengthen, but may resurface during the holidays, when the “all together now” ethos activates the sense that you don’t share the same memories, and are newer to the scene. So call in the reinforcements. If possible, make sure your own favorite relatives are included in the celebrating, or that they get visited on the big day/s as well. Bring your “fictive kin” into the scene too–that’s friends who feel like family to you and me. Everyone should feel comfortable and in her element as much as possible in her own home during the holidays.

2. Banish Rumination Reader Mary advises, “Focus on the meaningful, loving relationships rather than the aggravating ones.” Well said. In my book Stepmonster I discuss rumination at length. Rumination–thinking over and over of negative scenarios or experiences, worrying about the future until we feel consumed–plagues women in particular. And stepmothers fall into its nets quite often. Rumination can lead to binge eating and drinking, anxiety, and depression. Have a look at Susan Nolen-Hoeksema’s “Women Who Think Too Much” or the section on rumination in Stepmonster–and tips for how to banish it. Many women find that very basic behavior modification techniques like what Mary suggests above, as well as meditation, can help keep negative, ruminative thoughts to a minimum.

3. Unplug the Christmas Machine. Okay, I stole that from the title of a book. Our friend Elizabeth mentioned it in one of her recent comments. What a great point she (and this book) make! This holiday can be about what you enjoy–reading, baking, cooking and eating with friends; exercising, relaxing, skiing, star-gazing, you name it. At a moment when so many of us are un- or underemployed and it feels like the world is going to hell, follow Elizabeth’s advice and make it simple, low-tech, and about togetherness rather than expense this season.

Thanks for your tips–keep them coming!

Reader Eyes Wide Open has this to say about how she gets through the holidays with her sanity intact:

“Exercise!!! We try not to get stressed at the holidays because this season is such a lovely time and we enjoy the season so much more than the day – it’s hard to enjoy if everything is all stressed. This year has been tough with my husband not working much (and not receiving unemployment); when it all seems too much I cue up my iPod list and sweat it out until my legs are jelly. I usually try a new physical challenge (”I’ll do the big hill by the beach twice today!”) and by the end of the session, I’m so amped on adrenaline and proud of my accomplishment that I have no time to dwell on the stressful things. Plus then I can justify eating all the treats at the holiday parties!”

She’s onto something (and she has a blog, too, that you’ll enjoy). Experts tell us that it’s right at this time of year that many of us experience a dramatic dip in our body’s level of serotonin (a neurotransmitter that regulates, among other things, mood and sleep). Low levels of serotonin = disrupted sleep and down moods (or, in some people, actual depression) (remember that women are twice as likely to experience depression as men, and that a number of studies I discuss in my book found that women with stepchildren have higher levels of depression than women without stepkids).

New York City psychiatrist Andrew Gotzis, M.D. confirms that there are three ways to up your serotonin levels without medication:

1. Sleep
2. Exercise
3. (You’ll like this one) Orgasm

So those are the ingredients that make for a happier, less stressed mood this holiday season. Easier than sugar cookies, right? I’m trying to keep a straight face here as I say: Have fun.

(For some of us, an additional boost like melatonin at night and 5HTP during the day, or an antidepressant, may be necessary. Ask your doctor–you deserve to feel great)

Thanks for all your tips. Please keep them coming. Today’s tip comes courtesy of Susan and PL. Susan writes:

“My husband and I get through [holiday stress] by planning an adult evening when it all ends. When the going gets tough we whisper it to each other. A shared secret plan is great for your marriage/partnership.”

PL advises: “Flirt with your husband.”

Smart women. Yes, we think of the holidays as “family” time–stepfamily, extended family, my family, your family, his kids, her kids, grandkids, and more. And that means that at this time of year in particular, and in remarriages or repartnerings with children in specific, we might not be giving the couple bond the attention it deserves.

In general, I learned while researching my book and reading the studies about stepfamily life, remarriages with children are much more fragile than first marriages or remarriages without children. You knew that already. You probably also already know that too often, the couple (well, the husband) thinks it’s “wrong” to carve out couple time when his kids of any age are around.

Wrong. You don’t just deserve couple time this holiday season–you need it. Experts I interviewed told me over and over that their patients in remarriages with children who made a priority of weekly or even daily alone time face-to-face had happier parnterships and better adjustments to stepfamily life all around. For the partner who is a stepparent, it’s crucial to be connecting with your parnter and getting “together alone moments” during this time of year if you are feeling outnumbered, overwhelmed, or like an outsider in your home.

Simply retreating to your room at night doesn’t count. Take ADDITIONAL time together. A ten-minute walk in the midst of a huge gathering, a run to the grocery store together–these are little opportunities to connect. Promise yourselves before a morning of all-family pandemonium begins, “Okay, we’ll get five minutes alone together before lunch.”

If you think your husband or partner won’t cooperate, think again. He might be feeling as overwhelmed and disconnected as you are! And if you ask effectively rather than putting him on the spot (think calm and formulaic in order to keep the emotional temperature down: “I’d love it if we could work in ten minutes alone together every day. I think it would really help me keep up my stamina and help me feel calm and helpful around the kids”), it’ll be hard for him to refuse so reasonable a request. Especially if you’re wearing that sexy elf suit of yours. I’m just kidding.

Ten days until Christmas. But whatever you celebrate—Hanukkah, Kwanza, or something else—this is a high pressure season for stepfamilies.

There’s the financial pressure of the recession, first of all, which is wrecking emotional havoc on Americans according to an article in today’s New York Times . Stepfamilies may be feeling very particular, additional economic pressure and stress at holiday time. How to pay for kids not in residence to come to Dad’s house? How much to spend on presents? How to feel happy if you’re unemployed or staring financial uncertainty in the face—with two sets of kids to support, as many divorced dads are?

Then there’s the pressure to be “just like family” over the holidays. Owing to our cultural script about homemaking, women are often the designated Martha Stewarts in the partnership, so stepmothers may be feeling great pressure to engineer a Norman Rockwell aura this holiday season, in spite of realities like resentful or rejecting stepchildren and out-of-control ex-wives (yes, this problem also intensifies over the holiday season. If the shoe doesn’t fit, friends of mine who are wonderful mothers and ex-wives, then a double holiday blessing to you. Good to know you exist!) All this can lead a woman with stepkids to feel less than generous, and to fret about becoming polarized over his kids showing up (he’s dying to see them; she’s, in many cases, depending on the ages and temperaments of, and history with the kids, dreading it).

So today I’m starting my ten-day countdown. Every day, another tip, thought, or something-or-other to help take you into the New Year.

I’d like to hear your tips, too—whether for relaxation strategies, great gifts for yourself and other stepmoms/partners, fun holiday rituals, you name it—so please share and I’ll pick some to post over the next days.

10 Day Countdown Tip #1
You know how they say the best way to get your finances on sound footing is to always pay yourself—your savings account, that is—first? Today’s tip is to apply that same lesson to spreading holiday cheer and kindness and generosity. Give some to you.

Give or buy yourself a present as you’re making or buying for others. Stepmothers I interviewed for my book Stepmonster were far from the selfish bitches of fairy tales. They mostly had the opposite problem, just like the women in Kati Morrison and Airdie Thompson-Guppy’s 1985 Canadian study of depleted, depressed and anxious stepmoms: namely, being waaayyyy too selfless left them feeling burned out and hopeless, while increasing their resentment of their stepchildren and spouses.

Have you checked out Peggy Nolan’s (of a Stepmom’s Toolbox) thoughts about self care? It’s always nice to give yourself a little something, but it’s more than that. The self-care recommendation is clinically sound. We know that women with stepkids who do things and take time for themselves—including going to a movie by yourself, leaving the teen meltdown to your husband and retreating to take a bath, or just finding a quiet place to sit down and read a novel during the holiday ruckus—have better adjustment outcomes and happier partnerships.

Self-care is about more than showering yourself with gifts (but hey, go ahead)—it will get you into a mindset of paying attention to your own needs. And that’s the first, absolutely necessary step to being able to take care of others, too.

What’s YOUR tip for surviving holiday stepfamily stress? Leave a comment…

Thanks to all of for your very moving comments/ letters to your partners’ exes and for reading my guest post, “What your child’s stepmom wants you to know about her life” on the No One’s the Bitch web site.

Jennifer Newcomb Marine has written a response, “What Your Husband’s Ex Wants You to Know About her Life.” Very interesting! Have a read and let me and/or Jennifer know what you think:

http://www.noonesthebitch.com/?p=467

Please check out my newest piece for the Huffington Post on stepfamilies and the 2010 U.S. Census. Without accurate numbers, there won’t be enough research–or support.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/wednesday-martin/stepfamilies-to-uncle-sam_b_373314.html

The December Issue of Stepmom magazine is here (www.stepmommag.com)! Lots of great reading as you gear up for your winter holiday nervous breakdown–Mary Kelly provides a priceless window onto an ex-wife’s (temporary) divorce regret; the sassy and hilarious Belle Mere remembers her first Christmas with sprogs; Erin Erickson on being a heavy-lifting “single” stepmom whose husband is out of town more often than not; Peggy Nolan on a stepfamily wedding; therapists/authors/experts Jacque Fletcher, Susan Swanson and Susan Wisdom all share their wisdom on topics from holiday survival to Mad Men; party girl Izzy Rose gives tips on how to do it right; I write about avoiding holiday stepmartyr syndrome; and Joel Schwartzberg tells divorced and remarried dads what they owe their partners–that would be US! There’s more where that came from. Believe it. Buy it. Read it.