Wednesday Martin

Please check out my latest post for psychologytoday.com on the very sad story of the disappearance of seven-year-old Kyron Horman.

Are you following the story on Kelly Preston’s pregnancy at age 47? Hope you’ll have a look at my latest post for Psychology Today

And tell me about it: Did you become pregnant and have a child later in life?

Tonya Craft, a Georgia kindergarten teacher, was accused of sexually molesting three young girls–including her own daughter. What role did an acrimonious divorce and remarriage, plus tension over custody of her two kids, play in her prosecution? Read my latest post for Psychology Today…and leave a comment!

Do you watch Glee? Are you obsessed? Even if the answer is no and no, please check out my new article on Psychology Today about Glee and the “blended family” paradigm…

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stepmonster/201005/glee-and-american-families-were-not-the-brady-bunch

If you’ve been on my blog before you know that I am a celebrity/popular culture junkie. Since November, I’ve been following the Sandra Bullock saga (who hasn’t?) and writing about it here, on Psychology Today and The Huffington Post. So, Sandra’s now a mother and an ex-stepmother-to-be. What does it matter? Hope you’ll check out my latest article on Psychology Today–and leave a comment!

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stepmonster/201004/what-the-sandra-bullock-saga-can-teach-us-about-stepmotherhood

You might know from reading my blog and/or my book that I tend to look to sociology, human behavioral ecology, history, and even literary theory when I’m trying to explain what happens in stepfamilies and why women with stepkids think, feel, and act the way we do. I don’t think psychology alone can adequately explain our culture’s deep suspicion of and antipathy toward stepmothers. And I don’t believe that we can “fix” a stepmother’s situation by exploring her feelings in isolation, or focusing on what she alone is bringing to the table. Stepfamily systems are complex, everyone plays a role in the difficulty that often reigns, and too often, a stepmother who is demonized by the kids and her husband or partner as “the problem” feels herself further demonized by therapy that focuses on “her issues,” as if those issues are not linked to actual dysfunction within the couple and stepfamily.

My friend and colleague Stephanie Newman, a clinical psychologist and psychoanalyst, has helped numerous women in difficult step situations over the years–including me–by asking why we might give and give without reciprocity, or choose situations that are ungratifying and then feel compelled, at some level, to simply endure them. And more than once, Dr. Newman has helped an adult stepchild re-think “what happened” with stepmom. For example, she tells us, a stepchild who talks about an envious, unkind stepmother is often projecting his or her own disavowed feelings of jealousy and anger about being displaced onto a convenient target–Dad’s Wife.

Most recently, Stephanie Newman has been thinking, writing, and lecturing about women trapped in sadomasochistic reenactments–patterns of self-sabotage rooted in early childhood experience. Yes, she tells us, these patterns can be reversed. As I read more and more emails from women with stepkids trapped in psychologically unhealthy situations where they sacrifice endlessly or fail again and again to assert themselves in healthy ways in their partnership and household, I wonder how many of us may be unconsciously repeating early childhood patterns that are destructive to us. Stephanie’s work is always smart and accessible. Have a look at her recent guest post for my Stepmonster blog on Psychology Today…and leave a comment!

Are you following the Sandra Bullock/Jesse James breakup story? Have a look at my latest piece for psychologytoday.com–and please leave a comment!

For any Canadian blog followers and FB fans, please tune in to your local CBC radio station tomorrow a.m. to hear me talk about the state of marriage in 2010, which will be running on numerous CBC morning shows nationally ! And call your local CBC station if you’d like them to air the interview.

I’ll be discussing how too often we fail to understand that real marriages between real people are tied to Marriage the social institution. When it becomes less relevant and necessary, we need extra help.

Read the article “Is Marriage Necessary?” here.

No, that’s not a typo. This post in the Sex, Love, Lust, Romance, Power series as we count down to Valentine’s Day is about something every woman with stepkids need to learn: self love.

As I was researching my book Stepmonster, one woman with teen stepkids told me her secret motto was, “Love yourself because your teen stepkids sure won’t!” Unfortunately this observation often holds true for younger and even older stepkids, too. In terribly loyalty binds, they perceive loving or even liking you as a betrayal of mom. And your efforts to win them over will only exacerbate their internal conflict, and their rejection of you.

Take heart–this is not an impossible bind. In spite of your relational tendencies, your need to have the love and approval of everyone, and the feeling that you have failed if you don’t have it from your stepkids, there is a way around it all. Stop focusing on winning them over. Start focusing on your partnership and yourself.

Self care is an important Valentine’s Day gift I’d like to see every woman with stepkids give herself. Because the research is clear that women who take time away from their stepfamilies and even their partners to go out with friends, read a novel, catch a movie mid-day, go for a walk, meditate, get a massage, and more are the ones with increased resilience in stressful situations–including steplife. No joke: self-love and self-care are your Rx.

Tell me here and now: What will you give YOURSELF for Valentine’s Day, to usher in a year of self-love in the face of the challenges of stepmothering? Check out self-care guru Peggy Nolan’s tips at thestepmomstoolbox.com for ideas if you need help.

Reader Ali recently asked me to recommend a discussion board for her so she can connect with other women with stepchildren online. There are so many, a couple of which I have listed on the side of my blog under “resources.”

Please tell me about the discussion board for stepmothers you like best, and why. That will really help me make a recommendation for Ali–and all the women who come here. Thanks for your help!

If you want to share any details of your use of these online communities, I’d like to hear about it. For example, whether you use them daily or weekly or monthly; whether you are more likely to go on when you are distressed; what you consider positive and negative about connecting with other stepmoms online; and whether you have formed an in-person support group with women you’ve met online or have met any of them in person.