Wednesday Martin

Money is a big, hot topic in a remarriage with children. Plenty of women feel guilty, confused, and resentful about their own financial well-being after they partner with a man with kids. Read all about it–and topics that matter to you by Mary Kelly-Williams, Lisa Bagshaw, Laura Petherbridge, and other writers who walk the walk–in the April issue of StepMom Magazine. Worth every penny.

As I’ve been giving a few talks over the last weeks and reading your comments and emails, I’m getting a sense of what’s keeping you up nights.

You’ve told me, It’s the economy, Stupid. Thanks, I get it now. Stepfamilies (you may chafe against that term because the idea of you being a “family” of any type just doesn’t seem to honestly or accurately describe the reality on the ground when it comes to finances) and couples in a remarriage/repartnership with children are subject to all the economic pressure the entire country is feeling –and then some. And that’s because casting your lot with someone with kids, particularly a guy with kids, costs (men are just statistically more likely to be paying child support than are women, and anecdotally it’s clear that divorced men with kids often allow themselves to be guilted into going above and beyond their financial obligation, often way past the expiration date of a kid’s needs–35 and dad’s paying the rent, anyone?– to “prove” they’re good fathers).

Let’s say what people often don’t like saying, and what many of our well-meaning friends don’t think we should even feel, let alone mention, shall we? Particularly when economic times are tough, it can stink to have to foot the bill for kids or all too often adult kids not your own. Especially when those kids, young adult and adult children of your partner do not treat you particularly well. It can really stick in your craw, and you’re telling me that it does.

“Who am I, Wonderwoman?” one of you wrote, describing working two jobs to help your husband with his child support payments, most of which did not in all likelihood go toward child support once they reached his ex’s house. No, you’re not Wonderwoman. You’re normal, and that’s why you resent it. I’d stop if I were you, since you asked. I’d also start a conversation about separate finances. Another of you asked, “Why do I so resent that we are paying for my 28 year-old stepson’s rent?” Um, because your husband is a pushover who is teaching his son that Dad (and his wife) Will Take Care Of It, Son, No Need to Grow Up. Who wouldn’t resent having a partner who parented so incompetently and guiltily? If it’s going on at 28, who can tell what 38 may bring? Again, I’d think about a bank account of one’s own.

For others, the national economic crunch is affecting your housing situation. Since I live in New York City, land of negative square footage, I’m on the front lines of this one. Recently I gave a talk at which two different women in attendance shared their own architectural challenges. One was living in a small one-bedroom apartment–with her husband and two stepkids. I won’t go into the reasons or the details in order to protect her privacy. But I think we would all be hard-pressed to imagine anything worse for a marriage.

Another woman lived in a tiny two bedroom apartment–one bedroom of which was cordoned off as a kind of shrine to the man’s young adult child away at college. It seems the husband felt that his 21-year-old daughter required an inviolable, sacrosanct room of her own even though she doesn’t live there, and in spite of it being impractical and costly in every way. IN MANHATTAN. That left the woman’s young son sleeping with her and her husband in their room–for three years. The woman hadn’t had a good night’s sleep in all that time–it’s hard to sleep with a toddler alternately kicking and clinging to you all night long, take it from me. When she complained about it, her husband’s solution was that she should sleep on a mattress in the kitchen. So his daughter who had lived in another state for three years, and does not even spend summers with them, could still have “her room.”

This is a smart, savvy and utterly competent woman. But when it comes to asserting ourselves in one’s step”family,” it seems, many of us forget that it’s necessary and healthy to advocate for our own interests. In fact, we forget ourselves entirely. We cave out of fear of seeming, of being accused of being, wicked and unfair.

And then, weeks or months or years later comes the tidal wave of resentment. Or the insomnia, or the hair loss, or the health problems our doctors tell us are stress-related. As summer approaches–and brings with it younger stepkids on vacation and older stepkids on break from college–it is imperative to get your financial philosophy in order. Get a therapist involved if it would help. Then have the tough conversations about what you are and are not willing to shell out, about how to structure or restructure your finances–including your wills, insurance policies, and estate planning –so that everyone’s best interests and desires, including yours, are represented. Because from what you’re all telling me, it will save you a lot of aggravation down the road to have these arguments and negotiations now. Your partnership is very likely worth it. I’m rooting for you. Tell me how it goes.

And let me know here and now: HOW DO YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND OR PARTNER HANDLE FINANCES? MERGED? PARTIALLY MERGED? COMPLETELY SEPARATE? WHAT WORKS FOR YOU AND WHY? I’ll randomly select one respondent to receive a free copy of my book, Stepmonster

*details in anecdotes have been altered to protect the identity of the subjects who tell me their stories

Please check out my newest post for Psychology Today about the Astor trial.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stepmonster/200910/is-woman-wicked
Phillip Marshall has accused his stepmother, Charlene Marshall, of conniving, scheming, and pulling the strings. Basically, Phillip says, his Dad isn’t guilty–his stepmom is. Have a look–and leave a comment!

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stepmonster/200910/is-woman-wicked

An image of stepmothers I’ve been particularly focused on dispelling these last weeks as I speak to the media: empowered, evil excluders and victimizers. As any woman with stepchildren knows, and as the research so clearly spells out, our perceptions of who stepmothers are could not be further from the reality. The studies and anecdotal reports from mental health professionals who work with stepmothers actually paint a picture that will startle many: stepmothers are by and large the most powerless and vulnerable members of the stepfamily system.

Experts including Jamie Kelem Keshet have found that when a woman marries or partners with a man with children–particularly if she has no children or “mini-family” of her own–she must struggle to find her place, and often feels like an Outsider or interloper. Her partner and his children may not be much help here. He may feel too guilty to show his kids just how important stepmom is to him, and the kids, as Dr. Mavis Hetherington has observed, are often perfectly happy for stepmom to remain on the periphery of conversations and activities, fearful that she will replace them in their father’s affections and the family hierarchy somehow if they let her “in.”

Too often, a stepmother is subjected to stepchildren’s hostility and rejecting behavior–something that is normal, but frequently goes unchecked for far too long (due again to dad’s guilt and fear). If she adheres to mainsteam stepparenting advice (“Leave the disciplining to him; you be the fun friend, etc,”), the woman with younger stepchildren finds herself in a position of having no say about parenting practices in her own home. She may also find that both her husband and her husband’s ex give her “responsibility without authority”–expecting her to pack a stepchild’s lunch just the way he likes it, for example, but telling her she’s crossing a line if she tells the child to turn the TV off.

The stepmother with older or even adult stepchildren is not necessarily exempted from this problem of lack of authority in her own home. Many women told me they had endured snippy remarks and barely veiled hostility from their adult stepchildren, often for decades, because their husbands’ attitude was, “I want us to have a nice time when we’re together, so don’t make a big deal about it. Just let it go.”

This disempowerment in her own home can have dramatic effects. A number of researchers have found that stepmothers are vulnerable to physical threats and abuse in their households: several women I interviewed told me older stepchildren getting physical with them by shoving or pushing them during an altercation. The recent murder of Kenzie Houk, allegedly by her 9-year-old stepson, underscores the fact that, in the tinderbox of stepfamily tensions, stepmothers can easily become victims, sometimes in dramatic and tragic ways.

Other than feeling like and being outsiders, having responsibility without authority, having little say over parenting practices or the rules of civility in her own home, and being emotionally and physically vulnerable, women with stepchildren have other profound vulnerabilities. Canadian researchers have found that, owing to their conviction that they must “blend” the family, and owing also to their fear of being perceived as wicked, stepmothers tend to take on the role of family counsellor and marital therapist, and to bend over backwards to be “perfect.” The result is feelings of exhaustion and burnout. And such feelings, combined with the hostile environment she often finds herself in when the kids are around, prime her for anxiety and clinical depression (ample research shows that stepmothers suffer from markedly higher levels of depression than mothers).

Stepmothers might also find themselves in a disadvantageous financial position. The woman with stepchildren may be asked to sign a pre-nuptial agreement that essentially waives some of her economic rights as a wife under the law, or to contribute to child support and other payments. She may feel that saying no, or being assertive about matters of estate planning and inheritance will be viewed as “wicked,” further undermining her ability to protect her own financial interests. Many women told me they felt pressured to contribute to a stepchild’s school tuition, wedding, or travels in a way that was uncomfortable to them given the unreciprocal nature of the relationship over the years. Simply put, these women felt economically exploited by their husbands, their husband’s exes, and their stepchildren.

And when it comes to wanting children of her own, the childless stepmother may find her husband or partner less than enthused, in spite of what was said earlier in the partnership. Finally, any complaints about her situation are likely to be met with suspicion and a lack of compassion, even by friends, who might say, “What did you expect when you married a guys with kids?” or “Why can’t you just be nice?” The ignorance, judgment, and bias of others adds another layer of stress to the lives of stepmothers.

With Stepmother’s Day coming up on May 17, I’m sure we’re all hoping that we can begin to close the gap between the world’s perceptions of us, and who we really are.