Wednesday Martin

If you are interested in wife/ex-wife conflict but haven’t yet subscribed to StepMom magazine, where I have an article on the topic, you might have a look at an introduction, heavy on the celebs (LeAnn and Cam), on psychologytoday.com

Let me get something out front: I love Star Magazine. Oh, and Us. I also love The New Yorker and the Journal of Divorce and Remarriage. But I’ve got nothing against lowbrow.

The cases of LeAnn Rimes and Cameron Diaz–one a stepmom, one a woman dating a man with young children–might be spectacularly public, but they’re also universal. Each celeb seems to be incurring the wrath of her man’s ex-wife.

Beyond having been cheated on and dumped, what are the roots of ex-wife resentment? What makes an ex-wife infuriated and irrationally nasty toward the stepmother of her children, even when that woman didn’t break up her marriage? Why does she undermine your relationship with her kids and do everything in her power to make your life hell? Hint: it’s not really about money. I write about where Mommy Tiger is coming from–and what you can do if your husband’s ex has it out for the two of you–in the current, second-year anniversary double edition of Stepmom magazine. You can also read an introduction to the article here, on psychologytoday.com

Many of you asked me to elaborate on the topic of “Barnacle Syndrome,” which I touched on briefly in a recent article for StepMom Magazine. Barnacle Syndrome may be especially acute during the holiday season, so here goes.

If you’re feeling like you just got “tacked on” to your husband’s life–that it’s all about the way he and his kids do it, that you have lost your connections to your traditions, your family, your strength your identity, your self–and are experiencing it especially over the holiday season, here’s what’s likely going on…and what you can do:

1. Feeling like a Barnacle means there is an imbalance of power in your marriage or partnership with a man with kids. Stepfamily and gender researcher Jamie Kelem Keshet writes about how women with stepchildren are more likely to be married to men who are older and more established; to move into his place “because it’s easier for the kids” or because it’s bigger; to move away from their families of origin/relocate to be with their husbands (who sometimes move to be closer to their kids); and, if they are themselves childless, to feel special pressure to take on a “maternal” role with his kids. I’m personally a poster-child for Barnacle Syndrome. When we married, my husband was seven years older, much more established, living with his adolescent daughter. I was younger, single, more mobile. I lived hundreds and hundreds of miles from my family of origin, was less established in my career, had no kids of my own. And so it only made sense for me to sell my car and most of my stuff and move in with him. And become a mother-like figure to his daughter. Right?

Holy inequalities, Batman, what a recipe for potential disaster! I remember looking around “our” house one day and realizing my contribution was a couple of throw pillows and a lamp. Meanwhile, my husband’s daughter already had a perfectly good mother and didn’t need another one, thank you very much. She was also an adolescent and like all healthy adolescents, felt the need to separate and differentiate far more acutely than the desire to have another quasi-parental figure in her life. My feeling of losing myself and my past and my very identity, and feeling overwhelmed by a role I didn’t even understand, came to a head as our first Christmas together approached, and my husband informed me that his plan for Christmas day was to spend it driving six hours round-trip to pick up his daughters from their mother’s place, “Since that’s what I’ve always done.” Cue tape of confused, frustrated wife and stepmother going postal (my husband, to his credit, listened to me and realized this was not an auspicious way to begin our annual Christmas tradition as a couple. He opened up his mind, and we made a plan that worked for both of us, and for our marriage).

Feeling and being “tacked on” like a barnacle to your husband’s previous life is common–but it’s not a normal, inevitable, or natural state of affairs. It’s a sign that you and your partner need to reset the balance, and get to a place where you feel like and are true partners, equals in the household and the relationship.

2. If you’re feeling like a barnacle or outsider, make a priority to change that, and do it stat, since power imbalances create resentment. In fact, you might say that the road to divorce is paved with power imbalances! Whether it’s an unequal distribution of household work, a sense that his kids have more say than you do in the family, or a feeling that you are living in a “haunted house” since you moved into his place, Barnacle Syndrome is a sign that you and your spouse have work to do. It’s not the end of the world. In fact, it’s exactly the opposite. Once you give this feeling of imbalance and being on the outside a name, you are in a much better position to address it!

3. You might need help from a professional when dealing with the charged topic of feeling like a barnacle or outsider in your own home. Until you and your partner get there, though, there is plenty you can do. Let your partner know–without a trace of anger or resentment in your voice (I know, it’s hard, but let’s be strategic here!)–that you want this holiday to feel balanced, festive, and comfortable for everyone. To that end, let him know you’d like to have your own family, your own friends, anyone who helps you feel supported and understood, around a lot this holiday season. Avoid situations where it’s just you, him, and his kids. Not only because you will feel better, but because the research shows that often, when stepparents, parents, and step/kids all come together without others around, it activates everyone’s anxiety about being an outsider. His kids of all ages will likely feel relieved if your friends and family are there to make things a little more interesting, and cut down on the sense that you’re all trying to feel like a “real family,” whatever that means. With that pressure off, you might find that his kids are open to some one-on-one time with you (stepfamily members also bond well one-on-one).

4. In addition to bulwarking yourself with supportive friends and family during the holiday time, consider doing less. If his kids are in a loyalty bind, the less you do on their behalf, the less they will have to feel indebted to and ambivalent about you. Rather than being a martyr who bends over backwards to cook all their favorite foods, for example, set the bar at being welcoming and appropriately open to interactions with them, based on their cues. It can make the difference between feeling depleted and drained and enjoying the holiday.

5. Finally, remember to get out. We’re so stuck in the “first family head” when we think about what’s best for stepfamilies. Guess what? Experts agree that stepmothers especially need time away from their husbands and stepkids when they’re around. It helps us rejuvenate and reset, and prevents stepmaternal burnout. In addition, you will seem like less of a “Dad hog” if you let the kids of any age have alone time with their father while you’re out doing something you really enjoy.

If you’re a woman with stepkids, you might already know the answer. Here’s a piece I wrote for psychologytoday.com on holidays for women with stepchildren. Hope you will have a read and TELL ME ABOUT IT: how are you and your husband or partner with kids celebrating Thanksgiving? With or without the kids? Together or apart? Your relatives, his, or both? Who’s cooking?

My friend Deesha Philyaw and her Co-Parenting Radio co-hosts will be featured on CBS’s Early Show Wednesday a.m. Divorce and remarriage with children plus stepparenting on national news–how do you like that? Have a look:

http://coparenting101.org/2010/09/stay-tuned-were-talking-co-parenting-on-cbss-the-early-show/

Also an interview I did with Deesha on co-parenting issues will run on Sept. 26th. Happy viewing…and listening.

The August issue of Stepmom Magazine is live! In it you will find lots of helpful articles that address the topics that matter to you, including mine on the two most powerful words in a remarriage with children…Mary Kelly-Williams on grief in stepfamilies; Peggy Nolan on remarriage with kids and military deployment; as well as fantastic pieces by Joan Sarin, Susan Swanson, Susan Wisdom, and many other experts on repartnership with children. You’ll have to subscribe to read the articles…but it’s well worth the price. I know, it’s really cheap of me to set you up this way.

Happy reading!

Hope you will check out my most recent article for psychologytoday.com on partnership, love, and lust. What role do secrets and novel experiences play in keeping marriages alive?

Tell me about it: Do you keep secrets from your husband or partner? Your comments will be kept secret, as always…

There’s been a lot of talk in the media recently about the “science” of a healthy, happy marriage. Based on the last decade of research, experts have identified some factors that put a marriage at risk for divorce. Have a look at my latest post for psychologytoday.com on the topic…and tell me about it: Have you ever considered divorce in your remarriage/repartnership with children? What changed your mind?

Hope you’ll have a look at my latest article on psychologytoday.com about Stepmother’s Day, which is (unofficially, of course!) May 16. Have a look…and leave a comment. And tell me about it here and now: will you do anything for Stepmother’s Day? Have you ever?

Jacque Fletcher, author of the important and supremely helpful book Becoming a Stepmom and www.becomingastepmom.com, invited me to discuss “Stepmartyr Syndrome” with her several weeks ago for her terrific weekly podcast series. Here’s the show. Have a listen and then tell me about it: Have you ever done so much for your husband’s kids or your husband and his kids that you started to resent it? What were you doing? How did you change it. Are YOU a stepmartyr?