Wednesday Martin

As I’ve been giving a few talks over the last weeks and reading your comments and emails, I’m getting a sense of what’s keeping you up nights.

You’ve told me, It’s the economy, Stupid. Thanks, I get it now. Stepfamilies (you may chafe against that term because the idea of you being a “family” of any type just doesn’t seem to honestly or accurately describe the reality on the ground when it comes to finances) and couples in a remarriage/repartnership with children are subject to all the economic pressure the entire country is feeling –and then some. And that’s because casting your lot with someone with kids, particularly a guy with kids, costs (men are just statistically more likely to be paying child support than are women, and anecdotally it’s clear that divorced men with kids often allow themselves to be guilted into going above and beyond their financial obligation, often way past the expiration date of a kid’s needs–35 and dad’s paying the rent, anyone?– to “prove” they’re good fathers).

Let’s say what people often don’t like saying, and what many of our well-meaning friends don’t think we should even feel, let alone mention, shall we? Particularly when economic times are tough, it can stink to have to foot the bill for kids or all too often adult kids not your own. Especially when those kids, young adult and adult children of your partner do not treat you particularly well. It can really stick in your craw, and you’re telling me that it does.

“Who am I, Wonderwoman?” one of you wrote, describing working two jobs to help your husband with his child support payments, most of which did not in all likelihood go toward child support once they reached his ex’s house. No, you’re not Wonderwoman. You’re normal, and that’s why you resent it. I’d stop if I were you, since you asked. I’d also start a conversation about separate finances. Another of you asked, “Why do I so resent that we are paying for my 28 year-old stepson’s rent?” Um, because your husband is a pushover who is teaching his son that Dad (and his wife) Will Take Care Of It, Son, No Need to Grow Up. Who wouldn’t resent having a partner who parented so incompetently and guiltily? If it’s going on at 28, who can tell what 38 may bring? Again, I’d think about a bank account of one’s own.

For others, the national economic crunch is affecting your housing situation. Since I live in New York City, land of negative square footage, I’m on the front lines of this one. Recently I gave a talk at which two different women in attendance shared their own architectural challenges. One was living in a small one-bedroom apartment–with her husband and two stepkids. I won’t go into the reasons or the details in order to protect her privacy. But I think we would all be hard-pressed to imagine anything worse for a marriage.

Another woman lived in a tiny two bedroom apartment–one bedroom of which was cordoned off as a kind of shrine to the man’s young adult child away at college. It seems the husband felt that his 21-year-old daughter required an inviolable, sacrosanct room of her own even though she doesn’t live there, and in spite of it being impractical and costly in every way. IN MANHATTAN. That left the woman’s young son sleeping with her and her husband in their room–for three years. The woman hadn’t had a good night’s sleep in all that time–it’s hard to sleep with a toddler alternately kicking and clinging to you all night long, take it from me. When she complained about it, her husband’s solution was that she should sleep on a mattress in the kitchen. So his daughter who had lived in another state for three years, and does not even spend summers with them, could still have “her room.”

This is a smart, savvy and utterly competent woman. But when it comes to asserting ourselves in one’s step”family,” it seems, many of us forget that it’s necessary and healthy to advocate for our own interests. In fact, we forget ourselves entirely. We cave out of fear of seeming, of being accused of being, wicked and unfair.

And then, weeks or months or years later comes the tidal wave of resentment. Or the insomnia, or the hair loss, or the health problems our doctors tell us are stress-related. As summer approaches–and brings with it younger stepkids on vacation and older stepkids on break from college–it is imperative to get your financial philosophy in order. Get a therapist involved if it would help. Then have the tough conversations about what you are and are not willing to shell out, about how to structure or restructure your finances–including your wills, insurance policies, and estate planning –so that everyone’s best interests and desires, including yours, are represented. Because from what you’re all telling me, it will save you a lot of aggravation down the road to have these arguments and negotiations now. Your partnership is very likely worth it. I’m rooting for you. Tell me how it goes.

And let me know here and now: HOW DO YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND OR PARTNER HANDLE FINANCES? MERGED? PARTIALLY MERGED? COMPLETELY SEPARATE? WHAT WORKS FOR YOU AND WHY? I’ll randomly select one respondent to receive a free copy of my book, Stepmonster

*details in anecdotes have been altered to protect the identity of the subjects who tell me their stories

SPECIAL GUEST POST BY MARTY BABITS, LCSW, Institute for Contemporary Psychotherapy

“I feel like my husband is married to his kids, not to me.”
“When the kids are over he doesn’t even hold hands with me! I feel shut out.”

These are just a couple of things you told me when I asked for a list of Top Stepmother Concerns. Power imbalances are a fact of stepfamily life. Many of you experience first-hand your partner seeming to choose his kids over you–and you’re not happy about it. Why should you be? The partnership is usually, at least initially, the weakest link in the stepfamily system. If it stays that way, the stepparent will continue to feel like, and be, an outsider in the home. And the partnership will take on water…even fail.

Yes, you can create a family and marital culture where your bond is solid, and you feel like and are an insider in your own home. No, it doesn’t involve shoving your stepkids to the side. And that’s not what you’re about anyway. Though you do feel guilty that being upset about now having your husband’s attention when they’re around makes you a stepmonster. You’re not–you’re normal.

I asked my friend an colleague Marty Babits, LCSW, of the Institute for Contemporary Psychotherapy, to weigh in, and offer you some solutions. Here’s what he had to say:

As a couples therapist who has worked with many remarried and second marriage couples, I can tell you these sentiments are far from rare. Faced with the feeling of disconnection, let’s keep in mind that what we need are connection and re-connection strategies and tactics. These are based on creating mutual understandings, and facing these problems TOGETHER. That’s our goal.
There are two major aspects to this feeling of separation – the first involves being separated from your husband, and the other that comes from not having a place – or at least a place that you feel good about –with the kids. Let’s talk about the first aspect today.
Your husband’s kids come over and he refuses to hold your hand. In other words, he is shielding his children from having to face the reality of his connection with you. That he not only lives with you but that he is viscerally, bodily, connected to you. Presumably, he shields them from this sight of the two of you holding hands because it would signify to his children that your connection with him is alive – and they would be unable to experience it. This would leave them vulnerable to the realization that he no longer connects with their mother in this way; it brings this reality home, literally, in his new home. It lets them see that he has created a new home base and that they are invited into it, but cannot ever feel as familiar with it as YOU are. It symbolizes that his new life is with you. And lets the children see, allows them to experience, that home will never be what it was. This is what they need to come to terms with.

Does your husband understand that he is doing his children a disservice by reinforcing their sense of denial about the fact that you are his number one (and only) partner? He doesn’t have to flaunt this realization, but he needs to convey it! It is important for their own growth and development. Holding hands would not constitute flaunting this reality, in fact it would be a gentle expression of this truth. However, his inhibition about holding hands may have more to do with his own difficulty separating from the past than his concern for his children’s perspective.

Perhaps it is HIS denial of the finality of the transition that causes him to struggle when the kids are over. If so, this can feel like a betrayal, like a sign that he may still be emotionally connected to his ex. What is more likely to be true is that he feels guilty about moving on, and this is common. Perhaps he is intimidated about facing the fact that his life has moved forward. The more he becomes conscious and comfortable with the disconnection to his ex, the more it registers with him that he has taken control and opted to build a new life rather than sink down and become buried in the rotted foundation of the old. Part of what he is going through may be a form of survivor’s guilt. Only in this case he has survived his own former life!

Leaving it all behind, and any actions that represent his separation from the past, is still challenging. New moves, like holding hands with you in his children’s presence, may feel surreal to him. Each bit of transition brings particular issues with it and must be dealt with on its own terms. The past and its habits disappear slowly; what is most important — between you and your partner — is the creation of new neural patterns, new ways of understanding what makes sense NOW.

And understanding why holding hands with you (and all that represents) is good for him and the kids and not the violation of a rule but a clarification of what is true now. It is one of the ways in which he can anchor himself and his children in the present: with YOU. His having trouble with this does not mean he still loves, misses or even feels and undue connection to his ex.

Here are a few suggestions -
Talk about the situation with him. Be specific. Talk about the hand holding in particular. Aim at solving one aspect of the problem (transition) at a time. Some of these conversations may feel difficult. Remember: your purpose in communicating with him is not to accuse or berate, not to vent disappointment so much as to empathize with his difficulties with this change process. I’m not recommending you coddle him, I am saying you need to struggle with him on this; you are not adversaries. His difficulties with this change-process are normal and expectable. If the transition is prolonged, your anger level may be high but that doesn’t mean his ability to cope with the changes are higher than exactly what they are. In short: he needs your support in making these changes.

Let him know that you can help him to bridge his way into the present. You, yourself, need to hold on to the realization that YOU REPRESENT THE PRESENT. Your relationship is what is really happening. Connections to the past are just that: PAST. Let him understand that you get that he may not be betraying you, so much as himself and the children by not taking your hand in front of them. He is leaving them in the lurch to figure out, on their own, how and why you and he belong together rather than sending them clear and consistent messages and reminders! You can help him do better and he can use it – this step-family stuff is not easy!

As we’re addressing the concerns of you, women with stepchildren, a reality is taking shape. Namely, many of you could benefit from counseling. Either couples work or individual work, but something. But as stepfamily researcher, social psychologist and stepmother Elizabeth Church, Ph.D. notes in her book Understanding Stepmothers, it’s possible that a therapist treating a couple in a repartnership with kids will do more harm than good. Church details that many of her patients came to her after being treated by therapists with no training, familiarity, or real experience helping remarried couples with kids. The results were unfortunate: therapists telling women to “treat stepkids just like they’re you’re own” and otherwise importing a first-family model to address stepfamily or stepcouple reality. Since stepfamilies are different, that doesn’t work. These couples understandably became frustrated, discouraged, even hopeless before finding real help.

I asked Kela Price, a certified stepfamily coach and co-founder of www.todaysmodernfamily.com, to weigh in. Here are her thoughts on how to find a coach, therapist, or psychologist who can help you:

Guest Post by Kela Price, Certified Stepfamily Coach

Choosing a therapist takes some serious consideration. Choosing a stepfamily therapist takes even more. Navigating through stepfamily life is a challenge and choosing the right counselor to help you do so is imperative. Many think that choosing a therapist with a slew of academic credentials and qualifications means that he or she is the best fit for their stepfamily, but this is rarely the case. There are far more important factors to consider when choosing someone who can truly understand and help this family system.

While it’s important to have some academic training or education, it’s more important to have the right academic training and/or education. Many stepcouples make the mistake of just choosing someone based on whether or not they have a degree and what particular school they graduated from; however, even if that individual graduated at the top of their class, with a psychology degree from Yale, Harvard or Columbia University, it doesn’t mean that they are qualified to guide your stepfamily through your challenges. What matters is that you interview the candidate to see what experience they’ve had specifically with the stepfamily.

I’ve known and counseled stepcouples who have been discouraged because they express that counseling didn’t work and are therefore hesitant to try it again. This is because many traditional therapists will try to apply a first family model to a stepfamily, and it does not work. Additionally, there are therapists who have only read about stepfamilies in a book and then attempt to counsel a stepfamily. Again, it doesn’t work. The most qualified therapist for the stepfamily is one who has the academic training or education specifically in the area of divorce, remarriage or repartnership with children and the stepfamily dynamic, and also one who has lived or is living the stepfamily life. Academic knowledge alone doesn’t work because in order to apply that academic information to your treatment of stepfamilies, you have to first know if it is correct, and in order to know if it is correct, you have to know how a stepfamily operates. In order to truly understand and know the inner workings of a stepfamily, you have to have lived it! The right combination of both professional and personal experience is important to consider when deciding on a stepfamily therapist.

I encourage anyone who’s about to enter into a stepfamily (the best time to get counseling is BEFORE you enter the stepfamily, not when you’re in crisis mode) or is in a stepfamily situation and feeling in need of help (it’s never too late to find the help you need!) to ask their potential therapist, counselor or coach the following questions to determine whether or not he or she is qualified to help in this area. Don’t be afraid to interview them prior to choosing, as choosing the right therapist can prove to be a great benefit for your family.

Interview Questions for Your Stepfamily Counselor Candidate
1. Specifically, what kind of stepfamily training have you had?
2. Do you treat stepfamilies different from first families? If the candidate says, “No, the stepfamily operates much like a first family and so the treatment is the same,” keep looking!
3. Have you ever been divorced and/or remarried and experienced stepfamily life yourself?
4. What are some of the unique challenges that stepfamily co-parents face, and (specifically) how do you handle those?
5. Why do you feel that so many remarriages fail as opposed to first marriages, and what specifically do you do to help strengthen the remarriage?
6. How many stepfamilies or stepcouples have you worked with?

Phone Coaching

Phone coaching is an increasingly common option for individuals and couples for a few reasons. For many stepcouples, finding qualified counselors in their area is extremely difficult as there aren’t that many of us out here. As such, when distance is a major factor, phone counseling may be their best option. Additionally, some find a coach or counselor’s office sterile, intimidating and uninviting, and are less likely to truly open up. For some men, the thought of counseling makes them want to run, let alone if they have to actually sit in front of someone and discuss their feelings. For them, phone counseling isn’t as intimidating and is the only way their spouse can get them to attend.

Overall, phone counseling/coaching can be just as effective as sitting face to face with your counselor or coach. It’s not for everyone and it’s most important for you to choose the option that works for you.

Fourteen days until Valentine’s Day. What does this holiday mean for those of us in a remarriage or repartnership with children?

Over the next 14 days check in for posts about love, sex, romance, passion, and power in a remarriage with children.

Today you can check out my article for StepMom Magazine: “Get It On–Sex and the Woman with Stepkids.” Yes, you’ll have to subscribe to StepMom Magazine to read it–but it’s well worth it. Look for other articles by Mary Kelly-Williams of www.marriedwithbaggage.com, Susan Wisdom of Stepcoupling fame, the fantastic Jacque Fletcher, the witty La Belle Mere, and more. Have a look:
http://www.stepmommag.com/

If you live near Boca Raton or know anyone interested in understanding stepfamilies who does, please pass it along: I’ll be in Boca Raton on January 27, talking about stepfamily and stepmother reality and answering questions for the JCC/ B’nai Torah Synagogue Author Forum Series.

The venue and address:

B’nai Torah Synagogue
6261 SW 18th Street
Boca Raton, FL 33433
(561) 392.8566

Time: 7:30 pm.
All are welcome!

This tip is born from the concerns of a number of readers who have been emailing me about holiday worries, dramas, and tribulations. It seems that the holidays can bring out the worst when it comes to charged relations with exes; “visitation shenanigans” as one reader puts it; and unresolved issues between us and stepkinder.

If it gets stressful over the next days, take a minute to remind yourself that you are not necessarily a “stepmother.” You are a woman who married a guy with children, and there is a whole spectrum of “normal” when it comes to how you will be with those children, and how they will be with you.

Remember what you were like before you married a guy with kids? You’re still that person, too.

Remembering that you are a person first–a person with interests, talents, ambitions, gifts, and desires of your own–is something women with stepkids too often forget. Stepmothering can be so overwhelming, so demanding, and so depleting that you may give yourself over to it too completely. Which leads to resentment. Kim writes:

“The last time I was ‘away’ by myself was in October and it’s overdue for me to go again. Even though it was for a conference, I was relieved of my responsibilities and I started to feel like my old self again.

Then, today, when I was out getting the making for the desserts I’m contributing to several events and I was buzzing between stores, I had a sudden desire to go to my favorite bakery for a quiche and a cappuccino. The place is so popular that the line is out the door. Instead of fretting about how long it was taking me, I just waited. I waited and breathed and did my people-watching and ran into some people I know. By the time I left, I felt “youthful” again . . . in the way that having a spontaneous and carefree moment can bring. It was precious . . . that moment ‘out’ of it all”

Taking time to reconnect with friends and your family of origin, go to your book group or just your favorite cafe for a cappuccino, solo, Kim reminds us, can help you get back into your own skin and reconnect with the woman you were and still are. Remember her?

Reader Eyes Wide Open has this to say about how she gets through the holidays with her sanity intact:

“Exercise!!! We try not to get stressed at the holidays because this season is such a lovely time and we enjoy the season so much more than the day – it’s hard to enjoy if everything is all stressed. This year has been tough with my husband not working much (and not receiving unemployment); when it all seems too much I cue up my iPod list and sweat it out until my legs are jelly. I usually try a new physical challenge (”I’ll do the big hill by the beach twice today!”) and by the end of the session, I’m so amped on adrenaline and proud of my accomplishment that I have no time to dwell on the stressful things. Plus then I can justify eating all the treats at the holiday parties!”

She’s onto something (and she has a blog, too, that you’ll enjoy). Experts tell us that it’s right at this time of year that many of us experience a dramatic dip in our body’s level of serotonin (a neurotransmitter that regulates, among other things, mood and sleep). Low levels of serotonin = disrupted sleep and down moods (or, in some people, actual depression) (remember that women are twice as likely to experience depression as men, and that a number of studies I discuss in my book found that women with stepchildren have higher levels of depression than women without stepkids).

New York City psychiatrist Andrew Gotzis, M.D. confirms that there are three ways to up your serotonin levels without medication:

1. Sleep
2. Exercise
3. (You’ll like this one) Orgasm

So those are the ingredients that make for a happier, less stressed mood this holiday season. Easier than sugar cookies, right? I’m trying to keep a straight face here as I say: Have fun.

(For some of us, an additional boost like melatonin at night and 5HTP during the day, or an antidepressant, may be necessary. Ask your doctor–you deserve to feel great)

Today’s tip comes to you courtesy of Talia and Mary (thanks to you both) as well as Kela Price, one of my favorite stepmom coaches, of www.blendefamilysoapopera.com

It is: Let someone else do it!

Talia says that after bad behavior from her stepkids around gifts the last few years, “I am taking a laid-back, hands-off approach this year.” She’s letting their dad choose their gifts. I suggest she also let him wrap them and, if Talia and her husband keep their finances separate, pay for them. These kids want gifts from Daddy, not Talia, anyway. Until they’re out of their loyalty binds, exacerbating them by giving gifts will work against Talia.

Mary writes that “There will be no bending over backwards [for resentful stepkids who don't appreciate the effort this holiday season]…it is a set-up for criticism and hurt feelings down the road.” Brava. By making the holidays normal and inclusive, rather than treating the kids like royalty to be pandered to, everyone wins. So have kids of all ages involved in meal planning, preparation, serving and clean-up as possible. Little ones can make holiday art or placecards for guests. This way the kids feel like part of the life of the couple rather than “special guests,” and the stepparent feels less depleted and resentful.

And here’s Kela:
Delegate!
by Kela Price,
www.blendedfamilysoapopera.com
This holiday season, delegate, delegate, delegate! Don’t feel the need to do everything for everybody. If you cook, let your husband clean up or shop for the ingredients. Allow the kids to wrap presents for dad and you can even give them an age appropriate cooking task as well. Tell your husband to wrap his kids’ Christmas gifts. Make everything a team effort in order to decrease your chances of feeling burned out and resentful.

Of course delegating requires that you do it the right way. You have to communicate with your partner about it all. Talk about plans for the holidays and realistic expectations ahead of time with your spouse, and be as honest as possible. Resist the urge to fall into your people pleasing tendencies during this time of year and talk about what YOU expect. If your stepchildren don’t like you and don’t mind showing it, explain to your husband that you expect them to be respectful and courteous (they should be doing this all year long) during this time, so that they don’t create tension for other guests who might be invited to Christmas dinner. It is also helpful to discuss with your husband, what you expect of him. Often times, divorced dads seem to be even more permissive with not only the kids, but the ex-wife, during this time of year. Talk about these issues AHEAD of time! If you don’t discuss these issues ahead of time, you are likely to fall into the “for the sake of the kids” rituals and end up serving turkey and dressing to your husband, his kids and the ex-wife; all while they discuss old times and relive what once was. Explain the importance of creating new family traditions so that you ALL can move forward instead of being stuck in reverse.

Thanks Mary, Talia, and Kela for this great tip.

Mary Kelly-Williams is running a support group for women with stepkids, structured in part around Stepmonster but mostly around her incredible knowledge and expertise as a stepfamily coach and therapist of 15 years. Mary is in a remarriage with children, too. Check it out–and tell your Colorado friends…

http://www.marriedwithbaggage.com/Married_with_Baggage/Stepmom_Support_Group.html

Please check out my latest post on psychologytoday.com about the custody battle between Sandra Bullock, Jesse James, and his ex Janine Lindemulder

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stepmonster/200911/pornstar-mom-superstar-stepmomwhat-about-dad