Wednesday Martin

I’ll be giving a talk called “What Do Women with Stepchildren Want?” at the Institute for Contemporary Psychotherapy on the Upper West Side of Manhattan on Thursday March 18th.

Details: the Family and Couples Treatment Services Division of the Institute for Contemporary Psychotherapy is sponsoring a talk by Wednesday Martin on stepmother reality.

Date: Thursday March 18th
Time: 1-2 pm
Location: Institute for Contemporary Psychotherapy, 1841 Broadway (entrance on W. 60th St.) Room 401-A

“How can I decrease my sense of resentment when it comes to my partner’s kids?” you readers keep writing and asking. Or, how to “witness that a stepchild has problems–whether it’s that he or she doesn’t try in school, is spoiled by mom and dad, is entitled or irresponsible, hasn’t developed key and age-appropriate life skills, or acts out in any number of ways–rather than experience it viscerally” and be torn apart by it?

In the end, problems between women and their stepchildren of any age can be traced to problems with the couple. If you have a partner or a husband or wife with whom you share a common vision of your stepparental role; who communicates to his kids that you are to be respected at the very least, and that you’re not going anywhere and treating you like a piece of furniture is not okay; then whatever his kids and ex throw at you, you can withstand. It’s not necessarily going to be fun at some points, but if you’re in an equitable partnership, you can survive just about anything steplife presents.

If your partnership is not there yet, there are steps you can take in the interim to reduce your resentment of stepchildren of any age who act out toward you or are simply ungrateful for your efforts on their behalf. Most importantly, you have got to start doing less. Today. This instant. Listen: Stepmartyrs are complicit in their mistreatment by his kids. In fact, stepmartyrs engineer their own mistreatment by his kids. No one can make you a stepmartyr but you. And you can stop it, too. Most women who write to me about finding steplife unbearable mention doing and doing and doing for his kids–and never receiving any acknowledgment whatever–let alone thanks.

So why do you keep doing it? Do you think it’s your job to be a stepmartyr? Who put you up to this? Is anyone holding a gun to your head? I doubt it. You’ve got to relax your expectations of yourself–radically and dramatically–and stop doing much of anything for anyone who doesn’t appreciate it if you are feeling depleted, resentful, and angry about your stepkids and your marriage or partnership.

Call it whatever you want–disengaging, stepping back, dialing it down–the words don’t matter but the reframing of your role, the redefining of your expectations of yourself, does.

Techniques for distancing themselves from unappreciative stepchildren that women with stepkids and experts alike have suggested to me all have one thing in common: they strive to transform the woman from a “stepmartyr” into a person who is healthily empowered and central in her household.

-Stop doing housework for your stepkids. Unless they are very little, they can wash their own dishes, help with dinner, make their own beds. Big ones can do their own laundry and sheets. Or their dad can. Or he can hire a cleaning person, if you have the financial flexibility for that. If you don’t feel like a maid, you might actually enjoy time with your stepkids. Or at least resent them less. “What do I do about the dishes piling up in the sink and the unfed dogs?” you wrote. You can have a conversation with your partner about the fact that you are going to be dialing back your involvement a bit for the sake of your marriage and your ability to have a relationship with his kids down the road–so this won’t come as a surprise. And so that, when the dishes pile up, it’s clear that they’re not yours to wash.
-Keep separate finances to lessen your sense that you are their financial maid as well. Think about it.
-Top your reserve tank off before a weekend or holiday together by doing something you want–and giving the kids or adult kids time alone with dad to boot. When they first show up, do something indulgent and satisfying for yourself (rather than just “hiding out” and feeling exiled from your own home). What would YOU like to do? Massage? Pedicure? Night out with friends? You might find that in this way, you actually look forward to his kids showing up. I’m not kidding. Or at least you’ll have a nice pedicure.
-Establish a rule that the couple gets to spend time alone when his kids are around, no matter what. If they’re visiting, make time to go for a walk without them. If the kids are in residence, weekly date night is a must. I say this as a person whose own date nights are notoriously lame (we once went to the post office and then Starbucks for our “date night,” but as least we got out). One smart couples therapist I know requires his couples in a remarriage with children who have weekend visitation to spend Monday morning after the kids leave alone together unless it’s utterly impossible. This way you reconnect after what may have been a stressful couple of days. Or even a fun couple of days without a lot of down time together.
-A written stepfamily contract. That’s right, a document you and your husband or partner come up with together to get on the same page about what’s to be expected of his kids of any age when they’re around. It might be a charged undertaking, but it can also help you and your partner come to an understanding about what you each expect. Depending on their age, dad might expect them to sign the contract, too. It can spell out what is no longer okay (ex. “taking stepmom’s stuff without asking” or “swearing at stepmom,” “smoking in the house,” etc.) but also sweeten the deal and make you seem reasonable with offers like “some alone time with dad every time you’re here.” For adult stepkids, this can be a contract between you and your husband about what you can both reasonably expect of one another when his kids are around.
-Bulwark, bulwark, bulwark to decrease your sense of being overwhelmed and outnumbered and on duty. Have YOUR friends in the house when his kids of any age show up. Make plans for people who help you feel supported and understood on hand all around you the entire time his kids are around. Isolation is your worst enemy so buoy yourself with pals. In your house. As needed. Call in for reinforcements.

“How do I sell this to my husband?” Good question. Let’s be strategic here. It never helps, no matter how angry you are, to come across that way. Men are notoriously quick to retreat in the face of female rage, no matter how righteous! So present yourself to your husband as what you truly are: sad, disappointed, and needing to give this one more try. “I think that part of the reason I’m so resentful of your kids is that I’m doing too much. I think if I did less, it wouldn’t matter that they don’t always remember to say ‘thank you’ or that they sometimes don’t acknowledge me at all. I might be able to salvage my warm feelings for them, and those feelings might even grow, if I were less resentful.” Explain to your partner that, since these kids aren’t yours, you need to be extra careful about allowing a relationship to grow–since it’s not an automatic thing–and that stepping back and doing less is one way experts recommend you do this.

You can explain the bulwarking in the same way. The more buoyed and supported you are, the less vulnerable you will feel–and be. That’s better for not only you but for your partnership and your relationship with his kids down the line.

Tell me about it–what are YOUR techniques to decrease your resentment of stepchildren who do not acknowledge your efforts–or perhaps even your presence? What has worked for you?

As we’re addressing the concerns of you, women with stepchildren, a reality is taking shape. Namely, many of you could benefit from counseling. Either couples work or individual work, but something. But as stepfamily researcher, social psychologist and stepmother Elizabeth Church, Ph.D. notes in her book Understanding Stepmothers, it’s possible that a therapist treating a couple in a repartnership with kids will do more harm than good. Church details that many of her patients came to her after being treated by therapists with no training, familiarity, or real experience helping remarried couples with kids. The results were unfortunate: therapists telling women to “treat stepkids just like they’re you’re own” and otherwise importing a first-family model to address stepfamily or stepcouple reality. Since stepfamilies are different, that doesn’t work. These couples understandably became frustrated, discouraged, even hopeless before finding real help.

I asked Kela Price, a certified stepfamily coach and co-founder of www.todaysmodernfamily.com, to weigh in. Here are her thoughts on how to find a coach, therapist, or psychologist who can help you:

Guest Post by Kela Price, Certified Stepfamily Coach

Choosing a therapist takes some serious consideration. Choosing a stepfamily therapist takes even more. Navigating through stepfamily life is a challenge and choosing the right counselor to help you do so is imperative. Many think that choosing a therapist with a slew of academic credentials and qualifications means that he or she is the best fit for their stepfamily, but this is rarely the case. There are far more important factors to consider when choosing someone who can truly understand and help this family system.

While it’s important to have some academic training or education, it’s more important to have the right academic training and/or education. Many stepcouples make the mistake of just choosing someone based on whether or not they have a degree and what particular school they graduated from; however, even if that individual graduated at the top of their class, with a psychology degree from Yale, Harvard or Columbia University, it doesn’t mean that they are qualified to guide your stepfamily through your challenges. What matters is that you interview the candidate to see what experience they’ve had specifically with the stepfamily.

I’ve known and counseled stepcouples who have been discouraged because they express that counseling didn’t work and are therefore hesitant to try it again. This is because many traditional therapists will try to apply a first family model to a stepfamily, and it does not work. Additionally, there are therapists who have only read about stepfamilies in a book and then attempt to counsel a stepfamily. Again, it doesn’t work. The most qualified therapist for the stepfamily is one who has the academic training or education specifically in the area of divorce, remarriage or repartnership with children and the stepfamily dynamic, and also one who has lived or is living the stepfamily life. Academic knowledge alone doesn’t work because in order to apply that academic information to your treatment of stepfamilies, you have to first know if it is correct, and in order to know if it is correct, you have to know how a stepfamily operates. In order to truly understand and know the inner workings of a stepfamily, you have to have lived it! The right combination of both professional and personal experience is important to consider when deciding on a stepfamily therapist.

I encourage anyone who’s about to enter into a stepfamily (the best time to get counseling is BEFORE you enter the stepfamily, not when you’re in crisis mode) or is in a stepfamily situation and feeling in need of help (it’s never too late to find the help you need!) to ask their potential therapist, counselor or coach the following questions to determine whether or not he or she is qualified to help in this area. Don’t be afraid to interview them prior to choosing, as choosing the right therapist can prove to be a great benefit for your family.

Interview Questions for Your Stepfamily Counselor Candidate
1. Specifically, what kind of stepfamily training have you had?
2. Do you treat stepfamilies different from first families? If the candidate says, “No, the stepfamily operates much like a first family and so the treatment is the same,” keep looking!
3. Have you ever been divorced and/or remarried and experienced stepfamily life yourself?
4. What are some of the unique challenges that stepfamily co-parents face, and (specifically) how do you handle those?
5. Why do you feel that so many remarriages fail as opposed to first marriages, and what specifically do you do to help strengthen the remarriage?
6. How many stepfamilies or stepcouples have you worked with?

Phone Coaching

Phone coaching is an increasingly common option for individuals and couples for a few reasons. For many stepcouples, finding qualified counselors in their area is extremely difficult as there aren’t that many of us out here. As such, when distance is a major factor, phone counseling may be their best option. Additionally, some find a coach or counselor’s office sterile, intimidating and uninviting, and are less likely to truly open up. For some men, the thought of counseling makes them want to run, let alone if they have to actually sit in front of someone and discuss their feelings. For them, phone counseling isn’t as intimidating and is the only way their spouse can get them to attend.

Overall, phone counseling/coaching can be just as effective as sitting face to face with your counselor or coach. It’s not for everyone and it’s most important for you to choose the option that works for you.

It seems we have concerns. Big ones. Lots of them.

No surprise there. Stepmothering is one of the toughest roles around—ambiguous, demanding, depleting, charged, and frequently thankless. You told me about unduly empowered stepchildren, stepkids not getting the love and support from their mom you’d like to see them getting, undermining exes bent on preventing you from developing a relationship with the kids, financial anxieties, fears about your marriage/partnership, loss of identity, feelings of disappointment and even depression.

Today’s top concern, gleaned from your comments, is problems with his kids. Whether they’re emotionally unhealthy (“spoiled,” “entitled,” “lazy,” “too much power in our household,” “angry,” “not getting the love they need from their mom”), hostile and resentful in the textbook ways, stealing your stuff or even physically violent toward you or your own kids, his kids seem to be The Problem.

What’s behind all this—and what can you do to feel happy once again, rather than constantly on edge and stressed, fighting with your partner about how the kids of any age behave in general, and behave toward you in particular? First, you’ll have to let go of an idea or two. And the good news is, this can be remarkably freeing.

Ask yourself, am I living the dream that something I can do will “fix it” with his kids, or that something I have done, some way I am, is what has “broken it” with them? Here’s the truth: Problems with his kids are generally neither attributable to nor fixable by you. It just feels that way. So the first order of business is Let. That. Idea. Go. And feel your sense of responsibility–and your resentment for not being appreciated for your efforts–ebb away.

Problems you have with his kids are actually most often problems you have with him, problems he has with them, and problems with/courtesy of his ex. Here’s the breakdown of what’s likely making your life hell with his kids of any age right now—and what you can do to make it better:

1. Loyalty binds. Kids of any age might believe, “If I like my stepmom, I’m betraying my mom.” Mom may be exacerbating this anxiety, even encouraging the kids in their arms-length or outright hostile treatment of you, for reasons that we’ll get to another day. But whether they’re 4 or 54, his kids may well feel that giving you a chance is the ultimate betrayal of Mom. What it means for you: here’s your permission slip–don’t try too hard with a kid in a loyalty bind! You heard it, don’t bend over backwards to ingratiate or please that kid as those efforts will backfire, and only build your resentment. Instead when the kid of any age in a loyalty bind shows up, show him or her that you have your own life, interests and priorities. Odd as it sounds, this makes you seem less threatening, demanding, and hate-able, and it frees him or her up to come to you in their own time and way. Or not. Either way, not knocking yourself out = not feeling rejected and hurt. Which gives you energy to be there as an ally down the line, or simply be civil and kind when they’re around.

2. Often these kids simply have problems before you even show up. In her Virginia Longitudinal Study, divorce and stepfamily expert E. Mavis Hetherington had mostly good news about our resilience in the face of divorce and remarriage. But she also found that kids of divorce were twice as likely to have serious social and emotional problems as kids in general. Moreover, Hetherington and most experts assert that these issues are attributable to problems and conflict in the previous marriage, not from the divorce per se. Divorce doesn’t “ruin” kids. But all the conflict they experience prior to the divorce may prime them for social and emotional issues—so think of yourself as a bystander to that process, if you will. What it means for you: zero guilt, zero responsibility. When a stepchild has problems, you don’t need to take on any more than feels genuine or realistic to you, no matter what others think you should do. Your obligation is to step back and give the parents a respectful distance in their efforts to help a troubled kid, while you keep the focus on your own life and happiness, and on creating circumstances such that you feel safe and central in your own home when his kids of any age are around. Which brings us to…

3. Your partner. Poor guy. Or gal. He or she is likely not making your life so difficult on purpose! But post divorce, permissive parenting may become the norm, because dad feels guilty and scared that he’s seeing his kids less so forgets the word “no,” because mom feels overwhelmed by single motherhood and starts letting the discipline go, and/or because smart kids of any age learn to “game the system” and play one parent off the other. And permissive parenting = unduly empowered stepchildren with little sense that others matter. Least of all their father’s wives and their father’s marriages or partnerships. Long story short: problems with his kids = problems between you and your partner. If your stepkids steal from you, coerce you physically or emotionally, or are violent toward you, my advice and the advice of many stepfamily experts is, calmly and firmly request an immediate, temporary moratorium on his kids being in the house until things are sorted out, and then get to a qualified therapist stat, since violence, stealing, and intimidation might reasonably be considered deal breakers in a marriage.

More often than creating these types problems, a permissive, lax partner and ex in the picture will have raised kids who strikes us as (and may well be) spoiled, entitled, unhelpful around the house, immature, and unable/unwilling to be responsible for themselves and their actions. It also creates a “strict” stepmother in comparison.

One solution is what we might call and “internal shift.” Ask yourself and your partner: what is the difference between stepchild behaviors that are annoying and those that are dire? Are you stuck in a dynamic where he’s permissive, you criticize, and he becomes defensive of his kids, causing you to ratchet up your criticism even more, so that he’s the defender and you’re “wicked”? Is there a way to instead appreciate and even enjoy the fact that you don’t need to fix your stepchild’s sense that the world owes her? Or his inability to hold down a job? That his or her bad attitude is someone else’s problem? What would it be like to “witness” rather than live or experience viscerally your observations that a stepchild has problems? Your partner may well find this conversation as freeing as you do: he or she may be constantly laboring under the anxiety that you disapprove of his/her parenting and his/her kids. Even if you do, suggesting that you as a couple come up with a way for you to disengage, and actually mapping it out together, could be a game-changer for your marriage or partnership.

Tomorrow….actual steps you can take to make life with your stepkids of any age easier, alleviate your resentment, and improve your partnership (boy, that sounds easy!) (it’s not, but tomorrow’s steps can really help, promise)

Over the months, many of you have written me about your concerns as women with stepchildren. I’d like to list and address the top ten–so I need your help. What’s on your list of top concerns? Here are some ideas from all of you so far (not in any order)…

Top Concerns of Women with Stepchildren…
-My stepkids don’t like me
-I don’t like my stepkids
-My stepkids and my kids don’t get along (or, what can I do to make life with stepsiblings easier for my kids?)
-I feel like an Outsider in my own home/ I feel less than an equal partner with my spouse/partner (my partner puts his kids first and our marriage last)
-Stepfamily tensions are taking over my life/my marriage
-I feel jealous of my stepkids/my husband’s ex
-Finances (child support, husband paying above and beyond child support, not enough money, etc.)

What are your top concerns?

Susan Wisdom, LPC, is answering a question she hears a lot when she does therapy with couples in repartnerships with children: “How do we balance the needs of his kids with our needs as a couple?”

Have a look at her piece, “Your Needs, the Kids’ Needs–What’s a Stepcouple to Do?”

And let me know: How do you and your husband or partner balance these needs?

I recently posted a piece on my blog that summarizes the research on how and why friendship is good for you. Now I want to know about YOUR friendships and support networks.

Fun fact: Did you know friendship benefits your health and emotional well-being even if you’re not in regular touch with your friends according to at least one study?

TELL ME ABOUT IT:
How many friends do you have? How many do you feel can listen to you talk about problems you might have step-wise in a supportive, non-judgmental way? When was your last get-together or contact with a friend and what did you do? Are you part of an organization–temple, mosque, church, support group–that gives you a feeling of community and support? Make a plan to see a friend right now, and tell us about what you’ll be doing.

I often find myself in a mind-meld with Kela Price, co-founder of the recently re-named Today’s Modern Family web site (it used to be Blended Family Soap Opera. Being me, I had my reservations about the “blended” part–but felt she and her partner Diane Green were right on target with the “soap opera” half of the equation). Kela and Diane run an informative, supportive site and Kela authored the tremendously popular “Healthy Marriage or Healthy Divorce?” that had us all talking recently.

I love Kela’s piece, “Why Did I Get Married?” and feel it’s the perfect follow-up to my recent ruminations about whether marriage is “necessary.” Thanks to Kela for permission to run the piece, and to Kela and Diane for serving all the modern families they do. Check out Kela’s article…and leave a comment!

http://www.todaysmodernfamily.com/index.php/2005

For any Canadian blog followers and FB fans, please tune in to your local CBC radio station tomorrow a.m. to hear me talk about the state of marriage in 2010, which will be running on numerous CBC morning shows nationally ! And call your local CBC station if you’d like them to air the interview.

I’ll be discussing how too often we fail to understand that real marriages between real people are tied to Marriage the social institution. When it becomes less relevant and necessary, we need extra help.

Read the article “Is Marriage Necessary?” here.

Marty Babits is a friend, colleague, and truly gifted therapist who does individual and couples work. His book The Middle Ground is one of the few out there that speaks not just to people in relationships, but those of us in remarriages or repartnerships with children as well.

I asked Marty to share some of his thoughts about Valentine’s Day and here’s what he had to say…

Limits in the middle ground are not placed on partners by each other but are presented by circumstances or adversity. Leaving Eros out of the middle ground is a little like envisioning a healthy diet without a thought about acquiring fresh and delicious food.

1. Number one will come as a surprise to many. A school of prominent psychoanalysts inform us that a person’s ability to become surprised – by others as well as by themselves – is a reliable index of their state of mental health! A person whose existence lacks an occasional, or even more frequent, surprise may have shut down their capacity for spontaneity. Delight is the best variation of surprise on Valentine’s Day, so: Take a chance on doing something that, though decidedly out of the ordinary, you have confidence will bring a smile to your partner’s face. Pleasing a child in this way is a snap. Why is it harder to make it work for a grown-up? Because our capacity for surprise grows rusty in proportion to our accumulated responsibilities; so consider this a rebalancing exercise. Dress up is always an option, whether you go in the Victoria’s-Secret direction or become a walking replica of your partner’s male-to-die-for-fantasy. If you can’t think of a specific character to take residence up within, how about becoming a masked mysterious caller. Whatever works as long as it playfully surprises.

2. Put some thought into giving your partner a means to true satisfaction. Shuffle a deck of index cards, each of which has a coupon value written clearly on the underside. For example, one may say, twenty minute back massage; another may say, I’m in the mood to please, tell me what I can do for you –again, as in all suggestions here, no one is ever obligated to do anything they find unappealing. So, if you ask for something and it’s refused, go on to wish number two. Another card may say, let’s spend a day at the spa together or any other pleasurable sensual experience that you wish to plan together. I’d like to take you to the restaurant of your choice, or tell me where you’d like us to go together may work. A proven winner: Play the second movement of Mozart’s violin concerto #3 in G Major (adagio) – it’s under ten minutes and guaranteed to transport you both - try it even if classical music tends to leave you cold! (Find it in the public library or download it from iTunes)

3 – Take a brief detour just over the steamy border of your comfort zone. Sex therapists strategize ways to help couples feel more comfortable talking about what they feel in the realm of touch, affection, love-making; this can mean revealing what each of you likes, dislikes or feels they could take or leave. Do you know what kinds of touches your partner likes? Have you ever articulated what you enjoy? Has either of you ever actual broached these topics in conversation? If you have not had talks like these with your partner, try taking turns expressing your feelings and curiosity by candlelight. Aim for anything from giggly fun to dumbstruck deer-in-the-headlight enlightenment. Guideline: state explicitly that if either you or your partner feels uncomfortable in the conversation that you both agree to stop immediately without any pressure or negative repercussions. Whether the dialogue builds momentum or is short-lived, being able to respect each other enough to stop with sensitivity can be a trust-builder with enormous positive repercussions!

Valentine’s Day is a day to brighten up the spirit of mutual renewal. Forget about your grievances for this time period and go with the flow of honoring each other’s initiative in event and decision-making. Give yourselves something to remember and look forward to – and if you must, throw in a few chocolates, flowers and even a Valentine’s Day card for good measure. There’s no harm in any of it.

Marty Babits, LCSW
Author, The Power of the Middle Ground: A Couple’s Guide to Renewing Your Relationship