This could be you..."OMG I won!!!"
I’ll be answering YOUR questions about being a woman with stepkids on Stepmom Magazine’s FB homepage (thanks Brenda!) today Tuesday May 11 from 10 am to 2 pm.
And I’ll be giving away a free, autographed copy of my book Stepmonster. So come on by, get some free advice, and enter to win.
Ever feel like even she might find stepmothering a trial sometimes?
Jacque Fletcher, author of the important and supremely helpful book Becoming a Stepmom and www.becomingastepmom.com, invited me to discuss “Stepmartyr Syndrome” with her several weeks ago for her terrific weekly podcast series. Here’s the show. Have a listen and then tell me about it: Have you ever done so much for your husband’s kids or your husband and his kids that you started to resent it? What were you doing? How did you change it. Are YOU a stepmartyr?
If you read it, you win...
BioStep! Your name was chosen randomly from the list of commenters. Please email me your street address (wednesday@wednesdaymartin.com), and I’ll pass it along to Dr. Katz. That way you’ll get your free, autographed copy of The Happy Stepmother.
Congratulations. Thanks to all of you for entering, and your great comments.
If you didn’t win, buy it–you won’t regret it!
xx wednesday
Come by and ask me a question on Tuesday May 11
Tell me what makes you happy and win a free copy of this great book
I’m giving away a free, autographed copy of a great book!
My friend and colleague Rachelle Katz, Ed.D, LMFT (that’s licensed marital and family therapist to you and me) is a stepmother and therapist who has been studying and supporting stepmothers for years. She founded stepsforstepmothers.com, a popular website and message board for stepmothers, and she also runs a monthly group for women with stepkids in her Manhattan office. Her book The Happy Stepmother is now available!
I know Rachelle and can vouch that she is, in fact, happy. That’s because she knows how to be a stepmother without going crazy. Rachelle’s book is one of the few research-based, stepmother-centric books out there. And it’s truly a breakthrough because it’s based on her very own comprehensive questionnaires and interviews with 3,500 women with stepchildren. Rachelle spoke to you and women like you to figure out what you want and need in your remarriage or repartership with kids, and how you can get it. Rachelle emphasizes self-care, boundaries, and ways to strengthen your marriage or partnership.
I’m giving away a free, autographed copy of The Happy Stepmother. Just post a comment here on my blog telling me what makes you happy (that gets you thinking, doesn’t it?) I’ll randomly select one commenter to receive Rachelle’s book.
Oh please, we're like, so NOT the Brady Bunch??
This makes it look so simple
Today I’m running a special guest post by Mary Kelly-Williams, MA, a therapist and stepmother in Boulder, CO about boundaries. You need them if you’re a woman with stepkids, but sometimes it’s hard to know how to maintain them, how to assert them, for fear of being disliked or perceived as wicked. Here’s Mary on how and why it’s important to have your boundaries in the stepfamily, and protect them. Otherwise, you’ll likely find yourself exhausted, depleted, and resentful. Have a read…and leave a comment!
BY MARY KELLY-WILLIAMS, M.A.
It is not uncommon for stepmothers to feel exhausted and depleted. It is not uncommon for stepmothers to feel misunderstood, used, taken for granted, and the scapegoat when things don’t go well in the stepfamily system. It is not uncommon for stepmothers to feel more like posers and actresses than actual human beings.
And all this exacts a price that no stepmother should or needs to pay.
Because the role of “stepmother” is so vague and ambiguous for most, and because our need for love and approval runs so deep, many stepmothers try to overcompensate, fix their spouse’s or even ex-spouse’s messes, be perfect and loving every second, take on the role of family and marriage counselor, and negate their own needs in the process. But there is a solution and it comes in the form of two simple words:
“Boundaries connect”.
Yes, boundaries connect. I learned this 2-word mantra many years ago in a training program and I’ve used it ever since, for my clients and myself.
It’s important to have boundaries in our lives, especially when one is a stepmother. But this is tricky business, given the stepmother is the one with the invisible target on her chest that screams, “Blame me for everything!”
Stepmothers need to know when it’s okay to put up the bright red stop. They need to know when they’ve done enough conceding, enough “gutting” their way through their weeks and days. They need to recognize the warning their bodies give them when it feels like someone is stepping on their chest and it’s hard to breathe.
You know that feeling…that feeling you get when you agree to something that you really don’t want to agree to? That moment when you say “Yes”, and it’s as if you can feel all your essence, all that is you, slip down and go down the nearest sewer drain.
That feeling when you walk away and you want to kick yourself. That moment when you’ve said, “Yes” when you meant “No” and you blame the other person for “taking advantage of you.”
Why do we do this?
To keep the peace?
To avoid the conflict?
To get the ex-wife to like you?
To look like the good guy?
To make sure the stepkids love you?
To be a saint?
To be the perfect stepmother and wife?
To make life easier?
To ensure the smooth yet elusive “blended family”?
I thought so.
And you know how that feeling just sits in your psyche and you feel anything from slow burning resentment to out and out rage?
Usually when we get to this point, we also tend to get into a bit of a victim mode. We are being taken advantage of, we aren’t being appreciated, we aren’t being valued, we aren’t being seen.
Some of the most valuable lessons about how to maintain healthy boundaries in our stepfamily situations may come from other areas of our lives where we feel more self-confident. I finally learned the invaluable lesson of “Boundaries Connect” when one of my daughters was 15 years old. We were on the way to get her driver’s permit. Now, this daughter had been testy and feisty and difficult to get along with (Duh, 15).
I asked the unforgivable question, “So, how was your day?” ‘WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO NOSEY MOM? WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO ASK ME THESE STUPID QUESTIONS???!!!”
Quick background. I was recently divorced from her father and full of divorce guilt and how my divorce was going to screw up my children for life, and how I was accepting perpetual rude behavior from this one in particular because I had put her through this divorce and would be forever more making up for it for all eternity.
Well, I had just learned about the power of the mantra “BOUNDARIES CONNECT” and the two words came screaming at me. I had had enough and I made an illegal U-turn in the road and headed the car back towards home.
“WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHERE ARE YOU GOING? THIS IS THE WRONG DIRECTION!!!”
Me, in extremely calm mother voice: “You are not getting one more thing from me from this point on until you learn to speak to me with respect in a civil and polite tone. I will never apologize to you again about the divorce. It happened. It’s done.”
The screaming and ranting continued with the expected, “HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO ME? I NEED MY DRIVER’S PERMIT AND I NEED IT NOW, BLAH BLAH BLAH.” No no. Wasn’t going to do it. Wasn’t going to turn around. The verbal barrage continued. We got home and she ran into her room slamming the door, threatening to run away, go to her fathers’, call Social Services.
I handed her the phone.
From that point on, our relationship changed drastically. It moved into a relationship of love—my daughter stopped her ranting, her demands. And if she slipped, I’d look at her and say, “You’re not getting one thing from me until you speak to me in a way that is respectful.”
It didn’t take long.
Stepmothers recoil when I tell them this boundary connects concept. It elicits fear. “What if I give a boundary and I get rejected?” “What if my husband pushes back?” “What if my stepchildren hate me for sure?”
I try to reassure. I can’t tell you the times that the “Boundaries Connect” in action gives people more love, more respect. It’s not about being stubborn or rigid. It’s about being true to yourself and holding fast to the anchor of your being.
Ultimately, it’s better to disappoint another to be true to yourself. And it’s like that airline analogy. You know the one…you need to put on your oxygen mask first before you can help others.
We can’t model self-love to our children, our stepchildren, our spouses, or our friends if we aren’t self-loving.
So experiment today. Pick one small thing you’re tempted to relinquish. And don’t. See what happens…take a chance.
Well, who knows? But she is a mother now. Will she remain a stepmother?
Stepmothers frequently find themselves on the wrong side of power. Some may be trapped in a sadomasochistic reenactment.
My friend and colleague Stephanie Newman, a clinical psychologist and psychoanalyst, has helped numerous women in difficult step situations over the years–including me–by asking why we might give and give without reciprocity, or choose situations that are ungratifying and then feel compelled, at some level, to simply endure them. And more than once, Dr. Newman has helped an adult stepchild re-think “what happened” with stepmom. For example, she tells us, a stepchild who talks about an envious, unkind stepmother is often projecting his or her own disavowed feelings of jealousy and anger about being displaced onto a convenient target–Dad’s Wife.
Most recently, Stephanie Newman has been thinking, writing, and lecturing about women trapped in sadomasochistic reenactments–patterns of self-sabotage rooted in early childhood experience. Yes, she tells us, these patterns can be reversed. As I read more and more emails from women with stepkids trapped in psychologically unhealthy situations where they sacrifice endlessly or fail again and again to assert themselves in healthy ways in their partnership and household, I wonder how many of us may be unconsciously repeating early childhood patterns that are destructive to us. Stephanie’s work is always smart and accessible. Have a look at her recent guest post for my Stepmonster blog on Psychology Today…and leave a comment!
Tune in for chat and advice about stepmother reality
Tune in this Monday April 19 as Mary Kelly-Williams and I discuss stepmother reality with Peggy Nolan of Stepmom’s Toolbox and Erin Erickson of the Erin Experiment on their radio show. Call in to ask a question or send a question in and you may win a free copy of my book, Stepmonster. Hope you’ll tune in!
