Wednesday Martin

This tip is born from the concerns of a number of readers who have been emailing me about holiday worries, dramas, and tribulations. It seems that the holidays can bring out the worst when it comes to charged relations with exes; “visitation shenanigans” as one reader puts it; and unresolved issues between us and stepkinder.

If it gets stressful over the next days, take a minute to remind yourself that you are not necessarily a “stepmother.” You are a woman who married a guy with children, and there is a whole spectrum of “normal” when it comes to how you will be with those children, and how they will be with you.

Remember what you were like before you married a guy with kids? You’re still that person, too.

Remembering that you are a person first–a person with interests, talents, ambitions, gifts, and desires of your own–is something women with stepkids too often forget. Stepmothering can be so overwhelming, so demanding, and so depleting that you may give yourself over to it too completely. Which leads to resentment. Kim writes:

“The last time I was ‘away’ by myself was in October and it’s overdue for me to go again. Even though it was for a conference, I was relieved of my responsibilities and I started to feel like my old self again.

Then, today, when I was out getting the making for the desserts I’m contributing to several events and I was buzzing between stores, I had a sudden desire to go to my favorite bakery for a quiche and a cappuccino. The place is so popular that the line is out the door. Instead of fretting about how long it was taking me, I just waited. I waited and breathed and did my people-watching and ran into some people I know. By the time I left, I felt “youthful” again . . . in the way that having a spontaneous and carefree moment can bring. It was precious . . . that moment ‘out’ of it all”

Taking time to reconnect with friends and your family of origin, go to your book group or just your favorite cafe for a cappuccino, solo, Kim reminds us, can help you get back into your own skin and reconnect with the woman you were and still are. Remember her?

Reader Eyes Wide Open has this to say about how she gets through the holidays with her sanity intact:

“Exercise!!! We try not to get stressed at the holidays because this season is such a lovely time and we enjoy the season so much more than the day – it’s hard to enjoy if everything is all stressed. This year has been tough with my husband not working much (and not receiving unemployment); when it all seems too much I cue up my iPod list and sweat it out until my legs are jelly. I usually try a new physical challenge (”I’ll do the big hill by the beach twice today!”) and by the end of the session, I’m so amped on adrenaline and proud of my accomplishment that I have no time to dwell on the stressful things. Plus then I can justify eating all the treats at the holiday parties!”

She’s onto something (and she has a blog, too, that you’ll enjoy). Experts tell us that it’s right at this time of year that many of us experience a dramatic dip in our body’s level of serotonin (a neurotransmitter that regulates, among other things, mood and sleep). Low levels of serotonin = disrupted sleep and down moods (or, in some people, actual depression) (remember that women are twice as likely to experience depression as men, and that a number of studies I discuss in my book found that women with stepchildren have higher levels of depression than women without stepkids).

New York City psychiatrist Andrew Gotzis, M.D. confirms that there are three ways to up your serotonin levels without medication:

1. Sleep
2. Exercise
3. (You’ll like this one) Orgasm

So those are the ingredients that make for a happier, less stressed mood this holiday season. Easier than sugar cookies, right? I’m trying to keep a straight face here as I say: Have fun.

(For some of us, an additional boost like melatonin at night and 5HTP during the day, or an antidepressant, may be necessary. Ask your doctor–you deserve to feel great)