Wednesday Martin

From Peggy Nolan, this tip you need!! See my blog roll to the right for Peggy’s site, the Stepmom’s Toolbox. Full of great information, advice, and upbeat perspectives on stepmothering. Peggy Says…

“Carve out 30 minutes to YOURSELF each day. Meditate, go for a walk, read, soak in a hot bubble bath (with a glass of wine if you choose), practice a few rounds of Sun Salutation – do something for you that recharges your batteries, refills your cup, brings you inner calm, peace and poise of mind.”

To which I can only add: MAKE A LIST of things that make you happy. Seriously, write the things down. And then do them over the next days and weeks. Promise?

Please leave more holiday survival tips…thanks for your comments!

I have three quick tips for you today, culled from experts including stepmothers in the trenches.

As the holidays get into high gear, the following three steps can help…

1. Bulwark PL advises: “Spend holiday time with your girlfriends.” Great advice. And sound. The women with stepchildren I interviewed for my book often described feeling outnumbered and overwhelmed at “all family” events if they didn’t live near their own family of origin or bring kids of their own to the mix. In my book I describe it as “barnacle syndrome”–the single, childless woman marries the guy with kids, an ex, and in-laws in town–and promptly feels out of her element, or like an Outsider, regardless of how warm and welcoming the other players are. These feelings tend to ebb as our partnerships strengthen, but may resurface during the holidays, when the “all together now” ethos activates the sense that you don’t share the same memories, and are newer to the scene. So call in the reinforcements. If possible, make sure your own favorite relatives are included in the celebrating, or that they get visited on the big day/s as well. Bring your “fictive kin” into the scene too–that’s friends who feel like family to you and me. Everyone should feel comfortable and in her element as much as possible in her own home during the holidays.

2. Banish Rumination Reader Mary advises, “Focus on the meaningful, loving relationships rather than the aggravating ones.” Well said. In my book Stepmonster I discuss rumination at length. Rumination–thinking over and over of negative scenarios or experiences, worrying about the future until we feel consumed–plagues women in particular. And stepmothers fall into its nets quite often. Rumination can lead to binge eating and drinking, anxiety, and depression. Have a look at Susan Nolen-Hoeksema’s “Women Who Think Too Much” or the section on rumination in Stepmonster–and tips for how to banish it. Many women find that very basic behavior modification techniques like what Mary suggests above, as well as meditation, can help keep negative, ruminative thoughts to a minimum.

3. Unplug the Christmas Machine. Okay, I stole that from the title of a book. Our friend Elizabeth mentioned it in one of her recent comments. What a great point she (and this book) make! This holiday can be about what you enjoy–reading, baking, cooking and eating with friends; exercising, relaxing, skiing, star-gazing, you name it. At a moment when so many of us are un- or underemployed and it feels like the world is going to hell, follow Elizabeth’s advice and make it simple, low-tech, and about togetherness rather than expense this season.

Thanks for your tips–keep them coming!

Thanks for all your tips. Please keep them coming. Today’s tip comes courtesy of Susan and PL. Susan writes:

“My husband and I get through [holiday stress] by planning an adult evening when it all ends. When the going gets tough we whisper it to each other. A shared secret plan is great for your marriage/partnership.”

PL advises: “Flirt with your husband.”

Smart women. Yes, we think of the holidays as “family” time–stepfamily, extended family, my family, your family, his kids, her kids, grandkids, and more. And that means that at this time of year in particular, and in remarriages or repartnerings with children in specific, we might not be giving the couple bond the attention it deserves.

In general, I learned while researching my book and reading the studies about stepfamily life, remarriages with children are much more fragile than first marriages or remarriages without children. You knew that already. You probably also already know that too often, the couple (well, the husband) thinks it’s “wrong” to carve out couple time when his kids of any age are around.

Wrong. You don’t just deserve couple time this holiday season–you need it. Experts I interviewed told me over and over that their patients in remarriages with children who made a priority of weekly or even daily alone time face-to-face had happier parnterships and better adjustments to stepfamily life all around. For the partner who is a stepparent, it’s crucial to be connecting with your parnter and getting “together alone moments” during this time of year if you are feeling outnumbered, overwhelmed, or like an outsider in your home.

Simply retreating to your room at night doesn’t count. Take ADDITIONAL time together. A ten-minute walk in the midst of a huge gathering, a run to the grocery store together–these are little opportunities to connect. Promise yourselves before a morning of all-family pandemonium begins, “Okay, we’ll get five minutes alone together before lunch.”

If you think your husband or partner won’t cooperate, think again. He might be feeling as overwhelmed and disconnected as you are! And if you ask effectively rather than putting him on the spot (think calm and formulaic in order to keep the emotional temperature down: “I’d love it if we could work in ten minutes alone together every day. I think it would really help me keep up my stamina and help me feel calm and helpful around the kids”), it’ll be hard for him to refuse so reasonable a request. Especially if you’re wearing that sexy elf suit of yours. I’m just kidding.