Wednesday Martin

As a follow-up to Kela Price’s recent guest post about how to find a therapist to help you and your remarriage/partnership with stepkids, a couple of other things that might interest you as we wend our way toward Top Stepmother Concern #3 in the next few days.

First, a psychologytoday.com post by Mary Kelly Williams, on a marital therapist’s thoughts about “The Marriage Ref”:
www.psychologytoday.com/

And now, a few of my favorite shrinks…find their links under “resources” on the right hand margin of my blog:
-The National Stepfamily Resource Center lists therapists with stepfamily training and experience
-Jacque Fletcher, author of Becoming a Stepmom, offers coaching for stepmothers and couples in remarriage or repartnership with children
-Mary Kelly-Williams is a family and individual therapist who also happens to be an ex-wife and stepmother. She runs a Stepmonster support group in Boulder, CO but also does phone coaching
-Kela Price, certified stepfamily counselor and co-founder of Today’s Modern Family (formerly blendedfamilysoapopera.com does phone coaching
-Susan Swanson of The Stepfamily Center in Los Angeles, is tremendous resource for those of you in LA and surrounding areas. She has a radio show as well
-Joan Sarin of Stepfamily Solutions has a track record of helping stepmothers survive and thrive
-Rachelle Katz is a psychologist in Manhattan who also does phone coaching
-Susan Wisdom, author of Stepcoupling, counsels couples in Portland, OR
-The Institute for Contemporary Psychotherapy in Manhattan has a number of highly qualified therapists, many of whom know about stepfamily life and dynamics from first-hand experience

If you have personal experience with a therapist you found to be knowledgeable about stepfamily issues and helpful to you, please let me know: email me at wednesday@wednesdaymartin.com

As we’re addressing the concerns of you, women with stepchildren, a reality is taking shape. Namely, many of you could benefit from counseling. Either couples work or individual work, but something. But as stepfamily researcher, social psychologist and stepmother Elizabeth Church, Ph.D. notes in her book Understanding Stepmothers, it’s possible that a therapist treating a couple in a repartnership with kids will do more harm than good. Church details that many of her patients came to her after being treated by therapists with no training, familiarity, or real experience helping remarried couples with kids. The results were unfortunate: therapists telling women to “treat stepkids just like they’re you’re own” and otherwise importing a first-family model to address stepfamily or stepcouple reality. Since stepfamilies are different, that doesn’t work. These couples understandably became frustrated, discouraged, even hopeless before finding real help.

I asked Kela Price, a certified stepfamily coach and co-founder of www.todaysmodernfamily.com, to weigh in. Here are her thoughts on how to find a coach, therapist, or psychologist who can help you:

Guest Post by Kela Price, Certified Stepfamily Coach

Choosing a therapist takes some serious consideration. Choosing a stepfamily therapist takes even more. Navigating through stepfamily life is a challenge and choosing the right counselor to help you do so is imperative. Many think that choosing a therapist with a slew of academic credentials and qualifications means that he or she is the best fit for their stepfamily, but this is rarely the case. There are far more important factors to consider when choosing someone who can truly understand and help this family system.

While it’s important to have some academic training or education, it’s more important to have the right academic training and/or education. Many stepcouples make the mistake of just choosing someone based on whether or not they have a degree and what particular school they graduated from; however, even if that individual graduated at the top of their class, with a psychology degree from Yale, Harvard or Columbia University, it doesn’t mean that they are qualified to guide your stepfamily through your challenges. What matters is that you interview the candidate to see what experience they’ve had specifically with the stepfamily.

I’ve known and counseled stepcouples who have been discouraged because they express that counseling didn’t work and are therefore hesitant to try it again. This is because many traditional therapists will try to apply a first family model to a stepfamily, and it does not work. Additionally, there are therapists who have only read about stepfamilies in a book and then attempt to counsel a stepfamily. Again, it doesn’t work. The most qualified therapist for the stepfamily is one who has the academic training or education specifically in the area of divorce, remarriage or repartnership with children and the stepfamily dynamic, and also one who has lived or is living the stepfamily life. Academic knowledge alone doesn’t work because in order to apply that academic information to your treatment of stepfamilies, you have to first know if it is correct, and in order to know if it is correct, you have to know how a stepfamily operates. In order to truly understand and know the inner workings of a stepfamily, you have to have lived it! The right combination of both professional and personal experience is important to consider when deciding on a stepfamily therapist.

I encourage anyone who’s about to enter into a stepfamily (the best time to get counseling is BEFORE you enter the stepfamily, not when you’re in crisis mode) or is in a stepfamily situation and feeling in need of help (it’s never too late to find the help you need!) to ask their potential therapist, counselor or coach the following questions to determine whether or not he or she is qualified to help in this area. Don’t be afraid to interview them prior to choosing, as choosing the right therapist can prove to be a great benefit for your family.

Interview Questions for Your Stepfamily Counselor Candidate
1. Specifically, what kind of stepfamily training have you had?
2. Do you treat stepfamilies different from first families? If the candidate says, “No, the stepfamily operates much like a first family and so the treatment is the same,” keep looking!
3. Have you ever been divorced and/or remarried and experienced stepfamily life yourself?
4. What are some of the unique challenges that stepfamily co-parents face, and (specifically) how do you handle those?
5. Why do you feel that so many remarriages fail as opposed to first marriages, and what specifically do you do to help strengthen the remarriage?
6. How many stepfamilies or stepcouples have you worked with?

Phone Coaching

Phone coaching is an increasingly common option for individuals and couples for a few reasons. For many stepcouples, finding qualified counselors in their area is extremely difficult as there aren’t that many of us out here. As such, when distance is a major factor, phone counseling may be their best option. Additionally, some find a coach or counselor’s office sterile, intimidating and uninviting, and are less likely to truly open up. For some men, the thought of counseling makes them want to run, let alone if they have to actually sit in front of someone and discuss their feelings. For them, phone counseling isn’t as intimidating and is the only way their spouse can get them to attend.

Overall, phone counseling/coaching can be just as effective as sitting face to face with your counselor or coach. It’s not for everyone and it’s most important for you to choose the option that works for you.

I often find myself in a mind-meld with Kela Price, co-founder of the recently re-named Today’s Modern Family web site (it used to be Blended Family Soap Opera. Being me, I had my reservations about the “blended” part–but felt she and her partner Diane Green were right on target with the “soap opera” half of the equation). Kela and Diane run an informative, supportive site and Kela authored the tremendously popular “Healthy Marriage or Healthy Divorce?” that had us all talking recently.

I love Kela’s piece, “Why Did I Get Married?” and feel it’s the perfect follow-up to my recent ruminations about whether marriage is “necessary.” Thanks to Kela for permission to run the piece, and to Kela and Diane for serving all the modern families they do. Check out Kela’s article…and leave a comment!

http://www.todaysmodernfamily.com/index.php/2005

Today’s tip comes to you courtesy of Talia and Mary (thanks to you both) as well as Kela Price, one of my favorite stepmom coaches, of www.blendefamilysoapopera.com

It is: Let someone else do it!

Talia says that after bad behavior from her stepkids around gifts the last few years, “I am taking a laid-back, hands-off approach this year.” She’s letting their dad choose their gifts. I suggest she also let him wrap them and, if Talia and her husband keep their finances separate, pay for them. These kids want gifts from Daddy, not Talia, anyway. Until they’re out of their loyalty binds, exacerbating them by giving gifts will work against Talia.

Mary writes that “There will be no bending over backwards [for resentful stepkids who don't appreciate the effort this holiday season]…it is a set-up for criticism and hurt feelings down the road.” Brava. By making the holidays normal and inclusive, rather than treating the kids like royalty to be pandered to, everyone wins. So have kids of all ages involved in meal planning, preparation, serving and clean-up as possible. Little ones can make holiday art or placecards for guests. This way the kids feel like part of the life of the couple rather than “special guests,” and the stepparent feels less depleted and resentful.

And here’s Kela:
Delegate!
by Kela Price,
www.blendedfamilysoapopera.com
This holiday season, delegate, delegate, delegate! Don’t feel the need to do everything for everybody. If you cook, let your husband clean up or shop for the ingredients. Allow the kids to wrap presents for dad and you can even give them an age appropriate cooking task as well. Tell your husband to wrap his kids’ Christmas gifts. Make everything a team effort in order to decrease your chances of feeling burned out and resentful.

Of course delegating requires that you do it the right way. You have to communicate with your partner about it all. Talk about plans for the holidays and realistic expectations ahead of time with your spouse, and be as honest as possible. Resist the urge to fall into your people pleasing tendencies during this time of year and talk about what YOU expect. If your stepchildren don’t like you and don’t mind showing it, explain to your husband that you expect them to be respectful and courteous (they should be doing this all year long) during this time, so that they don’t create tension for other guests who might be invited to Christmas dinner. It is also helpful to discuss with your husband, what you expect of him. Often times, divorced dads seem to be even more permissive with not only the kids, but the ex-wife, during this time of year. Talk about these issues AHEAD of time! If you don’t discuss these issues ahead of time, you are likely to fall into the “for the sake of the kids” rituals and end up serving turkey and dressing to your husband, his kids and the ex-wife; all while they discuss old times and relive what once was. Explain the importance of creating new family traditions so that you ALL can move forward instead of being stuck in reverse.

Thanks Mary, Talia, and Kela for this great tip.