Wednesday Martin

An image of stepmothers I’ve been particularly focused on dispelling these last weeks as I speak to the media: empowered, evil excluders and victimizers. As any woman with stepchildren knows, and as the research so clearly spells out, our perceptions of who stepmothers are could not be further from the reality. The studies and anecdotal reports from mental health professionals who work with stepmothers actually paint a picture that will startle many: stepmothers are by and large the most powerless and vulnerable members of the stepfamily system.

Experts including Jamie Kelem Keshet have found that when a woman marries or partners with a man with children–particularly if she has no children or “mini-family” of her own–she must struggle to find her place, and often feels like an Outsider or interloper. Her partner and his children may not be much help here. He may feel too guilty to show his kids just how important stepmom is to him, and the kids, as Dr. Mavis Hetherington has observed, are often perfectly happy for stepmom to remain on the periphery of conversations and activities, fearful that she will replace them in their father’s affections and the family hierarchy somehow if they let her “in.”

Too often, a stepmother is subjected to stepchildren’s hostility and rejecting behavior–something that is normal, but frequently goes unchecked for far too long (due again to dad’s guilt and fear). If she adheres to mainsteam stepparenting advice (“Leave the disciplining to him; you be the fun friend, etc,”), the woman with younger stepchildren finds herself in a position of having no say about parenting practices in her own home. She may also find that both her husband and her husband’s ex give her “responsibility without authority”–expecting her to pack a stepchild’s lunch just the way he likes it, for example, but telling her she’s crossing a line if she tells the child to turn the TV off.

The stepmother with older or even adult stepchildren is not necessarily exempted from this problem of lack of authority in her own home. Many women told me they had endured snippy remarks and barely veiled hostility from their adult stepchildren, often for decades, because their husbands’ attitude was, “I want us to have a nice time when we’re together, so don’t make a big deal about it. Just let it go.”

This disempowerment in her own home can have dramatic effects. A number of researchers have found that stepmothers are vulnerable to physical threats and abuse in their households: several women I interviewed told me older stepchildren getting physical with them by shoving or pushing them during an altercation. The recent murder of Kenzie Houk, allegedly by her 9-year-old stepson, underscores the fact that, in the tinderbox of stepfamily tensions, stepmothers can easily become victims, sometimes in dramatic and tragic ways.

Other than feeling like and being outsiders, having responsibility without authority, having little say over parenting practices or the rules of civility in her own home, and being emotionally and physically vulnerable, women with stepchildren have other profound vulnerabilities. Canadian researchers have found that, owing to their conviction that they must “blend” the family, and owing also to their fear of being perceived as wicked, stepmothers tend to take on the role of family counsellor and marital therapist, and to bend over backwards to be “perfect.” The result is feelings of exhaustion and burnout. And such feelings, combined with the hostile environment she often finds herself in when the kids are around, prime her for anxiety and clinical depression (ample research shows that stepmothers suffer from markedly higher levels of depression than mothers).

Stepmothers might also find themselves in a disadvantageous financial position. The woman with stepchildren may be asked to sign a pre-nuptial agreement that essentially waives some of her economic rights as a wife under the law, or to contribute to child support and other payments. She may feel that saying no, or being assertive about matters of estate planning and inheritance will be viewed as “wicked,” further undermining her ability to protect her own financial interests. Many women told me they felt pressured to contribute to a stepchild’s school tuition, wedding, or travels in a way that was uncomfortable to them given the unreciprocal nature of the relationship over the years. Simply put, these women felt economically exploited by their husbands, their husband’s exes, and their stepchildren.

And when it comes to wanting children of her own, the childless stepmother may find her husband or partner less than enthused, in spite of what was said earlier in the partnership. Finally, any complaints about her situation are likely to be met with suspicion and a lack of compassion, even by friends, who might say, “What did you expect when you married a guys with kids?” or “Why can’t you just be nice?” The ignorance, judgment, and bias of others adds another layer of stress to the lives of stepmothers.

With Stepmother’s Day coming up on May 17, I’m sure we’re all hoping that we can begin to close the gap between the world’s perceptions of us, and who we really are.

The February 20th murder of Kenzie Houk has been described as a horrifying, incomprehensible, and shocking tragedy. Understandably so. Houk was 26 years old, eight months pregnant, and lying asleep in bed at the time she was shot in the back of the head. How can it be, many wonder, that the accused killer is Jordan Brown—her fiance’s eleven-year-old son?

But for stepfamily experts, the appalling story is not exactly incomprehensible, or even so shocking. In the words of Patricia Papernow, a Hudson, New York psychologist who works with stepfamilies, “It looks awful from the outside and sort of unspeakable, but these are the kinds of feelings that are pretty normal in a new stepfamily. You just hope there’s not a loaded gun around.” The feelings she refers to are presumably a stepchild’s primal rage and terror at the possibility of being excluded or eclipsed when a stepmother becomes pregnant—or simply arrives on the scene.

Sources say that Kenzie—who along with her two daughters from a previous relationship set up house with Jim Brown and his son in Wampum, Pennsylvania four months ago, after dating the boy’s father for ten months or so—had been trying hard to build a relationship with Jordan. Like every woman who partners with a man with children, she had her work cut out for her. Houk’s relatives and others suggest that Jordan was jealous about the upcoming marriage and imminent birth. He likely feared that this baby, a boy, would replace him, and he would be cast aside. Having been abandoned by his own mother years ago, he may also have worried he was being “left” once again, this time by his father. Like many stepchildren, he apparently resented his stepmother tremendously. Indeed, Jordan reportedly told one of Kenzie’s young nephews that he wanted to kill the woman who would soon become his stepmom.

Jordan Brown’s case is extreme, of course, distorted by the fact that he grew up in a culture of guns and hunting and lived in a household where he was allowed access to his very own child’s model loaded rifle, a Christmas gift from his father. It is further warped by the possibility that Jordan may well be sociopathic or attachment disordered according to doctors lately sounding off, plausibly, about just how this could have happened.

Yet Kenzie Houk’s story actually falls somewhere on the outer edge of normal. In my experience researching stepfamilies over the last three years, I met many more-or-less happy stepfamilies who managed to make it work and learned to appreciate and even love one another over time. I also met dozens of otherwise well-adjusted, high-functioning adults who had a stepmother they told me they “couldn’t stand” or “hated.” Years after the marriage, many of these normal-seeming adults remained unresigned to it, speaking of their stepmothers as wicked witches and their fathers as good guys who allowed themselves to be duped. Stepfamily expert Francesca Adler-Baeder, Ph.D. explains the enduring nature of stepchild antipathy: “Young children have a very deep need to be connected to their parents. In many studies, children were experiencing and describing stepparents as threats to their basic human need. Even as adults, we might revert back to the time when we most felt that vulnerability and need for emotional attachment.” And continue feeling a primitive, unshakable resentment and anger.

All of which means it’s not just difficult to be a stepmother. It can also be dangerous. Indeed, several women with stepchildren I interviewed told me they felt unsafe around their stepchildren. One had been physically threatened by her much-larger teen stepson. Another had a stepdaughter who shoved her, while others described being pushed and swung at by angry stepkinder. Stepmother and author Cherie Burns writes about a woman who was actually beaten up by her two visiting adult stepdaughters one night in her own kitchen. All these women were well-educated and well-off, with access to therapy and supportive friends and family. But none of that could insulate them from one of the truths of stepfamily life: it is characterized by intense emotions, and can sometimes be explosive. However, women don’t often speak about this aspect of being a stepmother, probably out of fear of being blamed. If a stepmother is fed up by the bad treatment she receives, we believe, she has no one but herself to take to task. If they don’t like her, the thinking goes, it must be because she is handling things wrong. If they hate her, this line of reasoning further suggests, it must be because she is hateful.

Kenzie’s murder helps to recast our deeply-ingrained and deeply misguided notions about stepmothers and stepchildren. We’re used to thinking of the former as heartless villains and the latter as excluded and disadvantaged victims. Even today, when one in three families is formed through a remarriage or re-partnering with children, the image of Disney’s Wicked Queen sheathed in black rubber, a red gash for a mouth (Is that Snow White’s blood?!) persists, sometimes retooled as a woman who is simply cold, jealous, or indifferent to her husband’s children. This in spite of ample research showing that stepmothers are likely excluded outsiders in the stepfamily system, and are the family members most vulnerable to stress, burnout, exhaustion, and depression.

Jordan Brown’s future is unclear. He is currently being detained in a juvenile correctional facility; his lawyer maintains he did not shoot his stepmom and that any assertions about stepfamily tensions and jealousy are “bullshit.” What will become of Kenzie Houk now that she and her fetus are dead? There is a distinct possibility, if internet buzz is any indication, that her fitness as a stepmother will be questioned. What did she do, some are already asking, to make him kill her? After all, if he hated her, she must have been hateful.

The truth is perhaps more difficult to accept, as it flies in the face of every fairy tale we were brought up on: stepmothers are more often victims than villains.