Wednesday Martin

Much is written about Mother’s Day being a difficult day for women with stepchildren. Especially for those who came into the lives of those stepchildren when they were very young, took an active role in parenting them, and are not acknowledged on The Day. Anyone who has read my book Stepmonster knows that I am the last one who would tell those women how they “should” feel on Mother’s Day, or what is “right” or “wrong” to expect from their stepchildren and husbands on that charged and overdetermined day. Women with stepchildren hear enough lectures and shoulds. It gets old when it’s your feelings at stake. Time to let stepmothers just have them, without promptly shoving a list like “Ten Ways to Be a Better Stepmother” into their hands right after.

The sting of not being acknowledged on Mother’s Day might be especially sharp for a highly involved stepmother who never had kids with her husband. For many of us, motherhood is the buffer against some of the occasional insults and indignities of stepmotherhood, a safe place and a terrain of comparative ease, at least on That Sunday. Those without the buffer are likely to feel, well, exposed and unprotected.

Then, seven days after, belated and second-best, comes Stepmother’s Day. You weren’t thinking it would come first, were you? Or that it would be a big deal, taking up 25 pages of advertising in the New York Times? Even though stepfamilies outnumber first families in the U.S. Even though half of all women in the U.S. will become stepmothers or stepmother figures. You weren’t thinking anyone would really know about it, let alone celebrate it, were you? Get real.

Stepmother’s Day? I’ve never heard of that, a number of people, including some women with stepchildren, have told me. Don’t let that stop you. You could tell your husband or partner that on the 17th you want a card, a massage, or some kind of recognition for doing the stepmother thing. Whether you think of yourself as a stepmother or not, whether his kids are grown and living halfway across the country, whether you embrace or ignore your role as “stepmother,” it is, in fact, your day. So for all the times you bought into the myth that, when you’re a stepmother, your happiness counts less than anyone else’s in the family, on the 17th, make sure you put your happiness first. It will probably be a very strange feeling, and a very unfamiliar one, particularly if you are in the eye of the stepmothering storm at this point, but you might find you come to like it. And that you want to make putting yourself at the center of your own life a more-than-once-a-year thing.

We can only hope. Happy Stepmother’s Day.

I recently spoke with Susan Davis-Swanson of The Stepfamily Center in Beverly Hills. Susan is a therapist and stepmother herself, and she has a truly expert, compassionate sense of what women with stepchildren and stepfamilies go through. On Mother’s Day, I found her thoughts about the (impossible?) task of building a family culture where no one is an outsider especially insightful and reassuring. Susan is here addressing her remarks to those of us who are stepmothers and then have a baby of our own. The birth of a baby is an exciting, exhausting time for the mother–and a stepfamily flashpoint.

The only thing I would add to Susan’s remarks here is that, on Mother’s Day especially, don’t worry about not loving your stepkids “just like they’re your own.” It’s not a reasonable standard for the majority of us, because they’re not our own, and luckily they likely already have two parents who love them like crazy. Susan’s website (see my resources list) is full of great information, too.

Susan on having a new baby–and stepkids:
Like everything else in stepfamily life, building a family culture where nobody is or feels like the outsider can be very challenging. There are so many moveable parts in a stepfamily that you can have all the best intentions but there are so many things unknown (i.e., what loyalty bind the stepchildren are in; what is being said about you and your husband in the other household; their mom’s sadness about this not being her having a baby with their dad, her ex, and the kids knowing this; the children’s own feelings of jealousy and their fears of more loss). Still, if the stepchildren are a part of the family on a consistent basis, they could bond with the baby, especially if they are assured that they are not being replaced (their biggest fear). And if they didn’t get the type of love and attention by their bio moms that they see you giving the baby, there is likely to be resentment and, of course, jealousy.

But, remember, in a nuclear family a new baby can bring up many of these same emotions. So big brothers and sisters can “help” with the baby and play with the baby, and the baby can give them love and make them laugh. These experiences can become part of the new experiences of your stepfamily. Dad can talk to his other children about what they were like as babies and you can all hear the stories or put up everyone’s baby pictures, which can also develop deeper bonds. But if the stepchildren are infrequent “guests” in the house, it will be harder for them to feel like insiders. In fact, it may exacerbate their feelings of being cast aside. Be sensitive to these issues with the stepchildren by talking about them together, as a family.