Wednesday Martin

Today is National Stepfamily Day. Many thanks to Christy Borgeld, founder of National Stepfamily Day, for taking the time and putting the energy into convincing our government to recognize the centrality of stepfamilies in the U.S. today.

The woman with stepchildren is, in many ways, the heart and hub of the stepfamily. Her adjustment will largely determine whether the family makes it or not. And yet the stepmother is also the stepfamily member whose needs often come last, if they are recognized at all.

Today seems like an especially good time, then, to repost “A Stepmother’s Bill of Rights,” first posted several years ago, anonymously, on the internet. Since then it has been creating controversy (especially point #5) and fueling conversations.

A STEPMOTHER’S BILL OF RIGHTS
1. Our marriage is our first priority, and we will address all issues together.
2. I will be part of the decision-making process in my marriage and family at all times.
3. People outside the immediate family - including ex-wives, in-laws and adult children - cannot make plans that affect my life without my consent.
4. I will not be responsible for the welfare of children for whom I can set no limits.
5. I must be consulted about which children will live with us, when they can visit and how long they will stay.
6. I will not be solely responsible for housework; chores will be distributed fairly.
7. I will be consulted regarding all family financial matters.
8. Others may not violate my private space at home, nor take or use my possessions without my permission.
9. I will never be treated as an “outsider” in my own home.
10. My husband and stepchildren must treat me with respect.

November 16th is National Stepfamily Day. And women with stepchildren are the lynchpin of the stepfamily system–research tells us that stepmother is the most challenged and stressed stepfamily member with the most complicated adjustment process.

Would you like to see stepmother reality acknowledged and considered on National Stepfamily Day? Use the button on my homepage, here on my blog, or on my Facebook Fan Page to contact Oprah producers. Let them know you’d like to see a show about women with stepchildren. You can mention my name and Stepmonster if the book helped you, as well as the names of other stepfamily authors including Izzy Rose (The Package Deal) and Jennifer Newcomb Marine (No One’s the Bitch) as well as Brenda Ockun, publisher of Stepmom Magazine. You can cut and past the message below:

Dear Oprah / O-Producer:

As a fan of your show and a woman with stepchildren/divorced mother, I would love to see an Oprah episode on new American families. According to official estimates, by 2010 there will be more stepfamilies in the US than any other type of family!

You recently did a great show on the truth about motherhood. What about the truth about stepmotherhood, and about relationships between wives and ex-wives? American families–especially stepmothers and divorced mothers whose husbands have remarried–face so many challenges.

Please address our reality on a show soon, and consider featuring stepfamily/new family experts and authors:

Wednesday Martin, PH. D, author of Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do; Izzy Rose, author of The Package Deal: My (not-so) Glamorous Transition from Single Gal to Instant Mom; Jennifer and Carol Marine, authors of No One’s the Bitch: A Ten-Step Plan for the Mother and Stepmother Relationship; Brenda Ockun, founder and publisher of StepMom Magazine: A monthly, on-line publication and the only magazine exclusively for stepmoms.

Thank you.