You know you deserve it!

As I was researching my book Stepmonster, one woman with teen stepkids told me her secret motto was, “Love yourself because your teen stepkids sure won’t!” Unfortunately this observation often holds true for younger and even older stepkids, too. In terribly loyalty binds, they perceive loving or even liking you as a betrayal of mom. And your efforts to win them over will only exacerbate their internal conflict, and their rejection of you.

Take heart–this is not an impossible bind. In spite of your relational tendencies, your need to have the love and approval of everyone, and the feeling that you have failed if you don’t have it from your stepkids, there is a way around it all. Stop focusing on winning them over. Start focusing on your partnership and yourself.

Self care is an important Valentine’s Day gift I’d like to see every woman with stepkids give herself. Because the research is clear that women who take time away from their stepfamilies and even their partners to go out with friends, read a novel, catch a movie mid-day, go for a walk, meditate, get a massage, and more are the ones with increased resilience in stressful situations–including steplife. No joke: self-love and self-care are your Rx.

Tell me here and now: What will you give YOURSELF for Valentine’s Day, to usher in a year of self-love in the face of the challenges of stepmothering? Check out self-care guru Peggy Nolan’s tips at thestepmomstoolbox.com for ideas if you need help.

Don't forget yourself this holiday season!

There’s the financial pressure of the recession, first of all, which is wrecking emotional havoc on Americans according to an article in today’s New York Times . Stepfamilies may be feeling very particular, additional economic pressure and stress at holiday time. How to pay for kids not in residence to come to Dad’s house? How much to spend on presents? How to feel happy if you’re unemployed or staring financial uncertainty in the face—with two sets of kids to support, as many divorced dads are?

Then there’s the pressure to be “just like family” over the holidays. Owing to our cultural script about homemaking, women are often the designated Martha Stewarts in the partnership, so stepmothers may be feeling great pressure to engineer a Norman Rockwell aura this holiday season, in spite of realities like resentful or rejecting stepchildren and out-of-control ex-wives (yes, this problem also intensifies over the holiday season. If the shoe doesn’t fit, friends of mine who are wonderful mothers and ex-wives, then a double holiday blessing to you. Good to know you exist!) All this can lead a woman with stepkids to feel less than generous, and to fret about becoming polarized over his kids showing up (he’s dying to see them; she’s, in many cases, depending on the ages and temperaments of, and history with the kids, dreading it).

So today I’m starting my ten-day countdown. Every day, another tip, thought, or something-or-other to help take you into the New Year.

I’d like to hear your tips, too—whether for relaxation strategies, great gifts for yourself and other stepmoms/partners, fun holiday rituals, you name it—so please share and I’ll pick some to post over the next days.

10 Day Countdown Tip #1
You know how they say the best way to get your finances on sound footing is to always pay yourself—your savings account, that is—first? Today’s tip is to apply that same lesson to spreading holiday cheer and kindness and generosity. Give some to you.

Give or buy yourself a present as you’re making or buying for others. Stepmothers I interviewed for my book Stepmonster were far from the selfish bitches of fairy tales. They mostly had the opposite problem, just like the women in Kati Morrison and Airdie Thompson-Guppy’s 1985 Canadian study of depleted, depressed and anxious stepmoms: namely, being waaayyyy too selfless left them feeling burned out and hopeless, while increasing their resentment of their stepchildren and spouses.

Have you checked out Peggy Nolan’s (of a Stepmom’s Toolbox) thoughts about self care? It’s always nice to give yourself a little something, but it’s more than that. The self-care recommendation is clinically sound. We know that women with stepkids who do things and take time for themselves—including going to a movie by yourself, leaving the teen meltdown to your husband and retreating to take a bath, or just finding a quiet place to sit down and read a novel during the holiday ruckus—have better adjustment outcomes and happier partnerships.

Self-care is about more than showering yourself with gifts (but hey, go ahead)—it will get you into a mindset of paying attention to your own needs. And that’s the first, absolutely necessary step to being able to take care of others, too.

What’s YOUR tip for surviving holiday stepfamily stress? Leave a comment…