Wednesday Martin

I am the special guest expert on CafeMom’s Stepmom Central board this week. Hope you will stop by the site and ask a question

No, that’s not a typo. Some of you who read my blog are mothers who also have stepchildren. Some of you are straight up stepmothers, and today is likely more complicated for you than it is for those stepmothers who also have kids of their own.

Yes, I just said that, “kids of their own.” Because as anyone who reads my blog knows, I am not one of those people who urges you to think of yourself as their “other mother” or a mom figure or like a mom in any way. Unless you want a whole world of trouble, loyalty binds, and resentment heaped upon you. Instead, women with stepkids can feel free to consider the whole range of options available to us–from very involved, if kids and their mom are okay with that, to not very involved at all, just a welcoming presence. There’s a whole stepmothering spectrum, and sentimentalizing and romanticizing how the “bond” between women and their stepkids of any age “should” be only sets us up for hurt and disappointment.

If your husband’s kids didn’t call you for Mother’s Day, that might just be the very best development ever. Most likely, they have a mom, and being in touch with you today could make them feel disloyal to her. It’s not about your efforts, which have been wonderful, or your personality, which I know is far from wicked. It’s just that, since parents and stepparents are not the same, it’s different. Happy Other’s Day to you. Because you’re more than “another mother”–you’re a person with the freedom to live this relationship with his kids that way that feels authentic to you.

What women with stepchildren can’t relate to what Pema Chodron writes: “The saddest thing of all is how we cheat ourselves of the present moment.”

Many of our stepmothering dilemmas are beyond our control–stressors abound in a repartnership with a man with children. But our responses to stress are, thankfully, something we can take charge of.

What part of your day is given over to ruminating over the past–the way his children and/or ex mistreated you or him, for example–or worrying about what may happen in the future? (What will his daughter’s weekend visit be like this time? What horrible thing will his ex wife do to undermine it? Etc.)? How might choosing to focus on living in the present moment help you and improve your marriage or partnership?

In my latest piece for psychology today, how to talk so you your husband will listen, and argue in a way that will strengthen your marriage, rather than sink it. Hope you will have a read…and leave a comment!

What happens to kids when parents are permissive and indulgent? Research suggests that they are lower functioning across several measures–socially, emotionally, and academically–and they certainly aren’t much fun to be around. This is a legacy they bring with them into adulthood; many of today’s twenty-somethings, researchers like Ron Taffel note, were raised with so much indiscriminate and unwarranted praise, and so few appropriate boundaries and rules, that they have an inflated sense of their own importance and achievements, and unrealistic expectations not only within their own family system, but also in the world (I am reminded of a nanny candidate with a B.A. but zero full-time nanny experience who told me she “required” an outrageous salary–in cash –”in order to be happy”)

I hope it’s not too confusing that my most recent post was about the Mommy Tiger–and this one is about Amy Chua’s Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, wherein she asserts that there is a place for strict, authoritarian parenting.

It’s something stepmothers might dream about–parents so firm that stepmom gets to seem fun in comparison. Alas, too often the opposite is the case. Divorced dads are notoriously guilty and permissive parents. Single moms may be so frazzled and busy (or undermining of the child’s relationship with dad and stepmom) that they don’t do their part to raise responsible and considerate children on their end. And so the stepmom with normal expectations looks draconian and wicked compared to “good time Mom” and “Disney Dad.”

Sound familiar? Hope you will read my piece on different parenting styles, and why permissive parenting is for the birds, on psychologytoday.com

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stepmonster/201101/the-taunting-tiger-mom-and-her-lessons

If you are interested in wife/ex-wife conflict but haven’t yet subscribed to StepMom magazine, where I have an article on the topic, you might have a look at an introduction, heavy on the celebs (LeAnn and Cam), on psychologytoday.com

Maybe what you want for the holidays is some understanding! I wrote a piece for StepMom Magazine that is currently on their sample articles page. Have a look…and you may just want to get yourself a subscription to the online magazine as a holiday gift.

Halloween seems like a good time to give away a free copy of Stepmonster! So just leave a comment ON MY BLOG about why you’d like a copy, and I’ll choose one respondent at random to win.

UPDATE: CONGRATULATIONS TO “REBECCA” WHOSE NAME WAS CHOSEN AT RANDOM TO RECEIVE A FREE COPY OF STEPMONSTER. REBECCA, I’VE SENT YOU AN EMAIL ABOUT NEXT STEPS. THANK YOU TO YOU ALL FOR ENTERING. THERE WILL BE A WINTER HOLIDAY GIVEAWAY AS WELL SO STAY TUNED! xx wednesday

Okay, a “just for fun” giveaway. Become my 500th Facebook Fan, get a free, autographed copy of my book Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do.

All you have to do is “like” my FB author page (enter “Wednesday Martin author” in the FB search engine), and send me an email letting me know you have done so to wednesday@wednesdaymartin.com

The email part is crucial, since that’s how I’ll know who is #500. Good luck! xx wednesday

My friend Deesha Philyaw and her Co-Parenting Radio co-hosts will be featured on CBS’s Early Show Wednesday a.m. Divorce and remarriage with children plus stepparenting on national news–how do you like that? Have a look:

http://coparenting101.org/2010/09/stay-tuned-were-talking-co-parenting-on-cbss-the-early-show/

Also an interview I did with Deesha on co-parenting issues will run on Sept. 26th. Happy viewing…and listening.