Wednesday Martin

Hope you will have a look at my latest post for psychologytoday.com…and leave a comment!

If you’re not a subscriber to StepMom Magazine, here is a chance to read a couple of sample articles from the most recent issue. In one, I discuss the dilemmas of divorced dads on Father’s Day–and the gift your partner with kids will appreciate most of all. Hope you will have a look!

Joanne Richard wrote this article about stepchildren and adult stepchildren in loyalty binds and what a stepmother “should” do to improve the situation. My answer was…nothing! Joanne also quotes my colleague and good friend Dr. Rachelle Katz, author of The Happy Stepmother, one of the only reasearch-based books out there for stepmothers other than my own. Hope you will have a read…and leave a comment.

No, that’s not a typo. Some of you who read my blog are mothers who also have stepchildren. Some of you are straight up stepmothers, and today is likely more complicated for you than it is for those stepmothers who also have kids of their own.

Yes, I just said that, “kids of their own.” Because as anyone who reads my blog knows, I am not one of those people who urges you to think of yourself as their “other mother” or a mom figure or like a mom in any way. Unless you want a whole world of trouble, loyalty binds, and resentment heaped upon you. Instead, women with stepkids can feel free to consider the whole range of options available to us–from very involved, if kids and their mom are okay with that, to not very involved at all, just a welcoming presence. There’s a whole stepmothering spectrum, and sentimentalizing and romanticizing how the “bond” between women and their stepkids of any age “should” be only sets us up for hurt and disappointment.

If your husband’s kids didn’t call you for Mother’s Day, that might just be the very best development ever. Most likely, they have a mom, and being in touch with you today could make them feel disloyal to her. It’s not about your efforts, which have been wonderful, or your personality, which I know is far from wicked. It’s just that, since parents and stepparents are not the same, it’s different. Happy Other’s Day to you. Because you’re more than “another mother”–you’re a person with the freedom to live this relationship with his kids that way that feels authentic to you.

I’m soooo tired of this royal wedding hubbub, but I had to write about it anyway. Hope you will have a look at my latest post for psychologytoday.com about Camilla, Kate, and the royal wedding…and tell me about it, DO YOU HAVE A STEPFAMILY WEDDING STORY?

Do you do a seder, Easter Sunday, neither, both? Hope you will have a look at my latest post for psychologytoday.com. As it turns out, interfaith couples can learn a lot from stepfamilies…

What women with stepchildren can’t relate to what Pema Chodron writes: “The saddest thing of all is how we cheat ourselves of the present moment.”

Many of our stepmothering dilemmas are beyond our control–stressors abound in a repartnership with a man with children. But our responses to stress are, thankfully, something we can take charge of.

What part of your day is given over to ruminating over the past–the way his children and/or ex mistreated you or him, for example–or worrying about what may happen in the future? (What will his daughter’s weekend visit be like this time? What horrible thing will his ex wife do to undermine it? Etc.)? How might choosing to focus on living in the present moment help you and improve your marriage or partnership?

Money is a big, hot topic in a remarriage with children. Plenty of women feel guilty, confused, and resentful about their own financial well-being after they partner with a man with kids. Read all about it–and topics that matter to you by Mary Kelly-Williams, Lisa Bagshaw, Laura Petherbridge, and other writers who walk the walk–in the April issue of StepMom Magazine. Worth every penny.

A reminder: I am co-conducing a workshop with Dr. Rachelle Katz, author of The Happy Stepmother (no, it’s not an oxymoron!) If you are a woman in parntership with a man with kids of any age; a divorced dad; a couple in a remarriage with children; a mental health professional who wants to learn more about the dynamics of remarriage or repartnership with children–join us this Saturday, April 2, from 10 a.m. to 1 pm. Details here…hope to see you!

In my latest piece for psychology today, how to talk so you your husband will listen, and argue in a way that will strengthen your marriage, rather than sink it. Hope you will have a read…and leave a comment!