Wednesday Martin

Thanks for all your tips. Please keep them coming. Today’s tip comes courtesy of Susan and PL. Susan writes:

“My husband and I get through [holiday stress] by planning an adult evening when it all ends. When the going gets tough we whisper it to each other. A shared secret plan is great for your marriage/partnership.”

PL advises: “Flirt with your husband.”

Smart women. Yes, we think of the holidays as “family” time–stepfamily, extended family, my family, your family, his kids, her kids, grandkids, and more. And that means that at this time of year in particular, and in remarriages or repartnerings with children in specific, we might not be giving the couple bond the attention it deserves.

In general, I learned while researching my book and reading the studies about stepfamily life, remarriages with children are much more fragile than first marriages or remarriages without children. You knew that already. You probably also already know that too often, the couple (well, the husband) thinks it’s “wrong” to carve out couple time when his kids of any age are around.

Wrong. You don’t just deserve couple time this holiday season–you need it. Experts I interviewed told me over and over that their patients in remarriages with children who made a priority of weekly or even daily alone time face-to-face had happier parnterships and better adjustments to stepfamily life all around. For the partner who is a stepparent, it’s crucial to be connecting with your parnter and getting “together alone moments” during this time of year if you are feeling outnumbered, overwhelmed, or like an outsider in your home.

Simply retreating to your room at night doesn’t count. Take ADDITIONAL time together. A ten-minute walk in the midst of a huge gathering, a run to the grocery store together–these are little opportunities to connect. Promise yourselves before a morning of all-family pandemonium begins, “Okay, we’ll get five minutes alone together before lunch.”

If you think your husband or partner won’t cooperate, think again. He might be feeling as overwhelmed and disconnected as you are! And if you ask effectively rather than putting him on the spot (think calm and formulaic in order to keep the emotional temperature down: “I’d love it if we could work in ten minutes alone together every day. I think it would really help me keep up my stamina and help me feel calm and helpful around the kids”), it’ll be hard for him to refuse so reasonable a request. Especially if you’re wearing that sexy elf suit of yours. I’m just kidding.

Ten days until Christmas. But whatever you celebrate—Hanukkah, Kwanza, or something else—this is a high pressure season for stepfamilies.

There’s the financial pressure of the recession, first of all, which is wrecking emotional havoc on Americans according to an article in today’s New York Times . Stepfamilies may be feeling very particular, additional economic pressure and stress at holiday time. How to pay for kids not in residence to come to Dad’s house? How much to spend on presents? How to feel happy if you’re unemployed or staring financial uncertainty in the face—with two sets of kids to support, as many divorced dads are?

Then there’s the pressure to be “just like family” over the holidays. Owing to our cultural script about homemaking, women are often the designated Martha Stewarts in the partnership, so stepmothers may be feeling great pressure to engineer a Norman Rockwell aura this holiday season, in spite of realities like resentful or rejecting stepchildren and out-of-control ex-wives (yes, this problem also intensifies over the holiday season. If the shoe doesn’t fit, friends of mine who are wonderful mothers and ex-wives, then a double holiday blessing to you. Good to know you exist!) All this can lead a woman with stepkids to feel less than generous, and to fret about becoming polarized over his kids showing up (he’s dying to see them; she’s, in many cases, depending on the ages and temperaments of, and history with the kids, dreading it).

So today I’m starting my ten-day countdown. Every day, another tip, thought, or something-or-other to help take you into the New Year.

I’d like to hear your tips, too—whether for relaxation strategies, great gifts for yourself and other stepmoms/partners, fun holiday rituals, you name it—so please share and I’ll pick some to post over the next days.

10 Day Countdown Tip #1
You know how they say the best way to get your finances on sound footing is to always pay yourself—your savings account, that is—first? Today’s tip is to apply that same lesson to spreading holiday cheer and kindness and generosity. Give some to you.

Give or buy yourself a present as you’re making or buying for others. Stepmothers I interviewed for my book Stepmonster were far from the selfish bitches of fairy tales. They mostly had the opposite problem, just like the women in Kati Morrison and Airdie Thompson-Guppy’s 1985 Canadian study of depleted, depressed and anxious stepmoms: namely, being waaayyyy too selfless left them feeling burned out and hopeless, while increasing their resentment of their stepchildren and spouses.

Have you checked out Peggy Nolan’s (of a Stepmom’s Toolbox) thoughts about self care? It’s always nice to give yourself a little something, but it’s more than that. The self-care recommendation is clinically sound. We know that women with stepkids who do things and take time for themselves—including going to a movie by yourself, leaving the teen meltdown to your husband and retreating to take a bath, or just finding a quiet place to sit down and read a novel during the holiday ruckus—have better adjustment outcomes and happier partnerships.

Self-care is about more than showering yourself with gifts (but hey, go ahead)—it will get you into a mindset of paying attention to your own needs. And that’s the first, absolutely necessary step to being able to take care of others, too.

What’s YOUR tip for surviving holiday stepfamily stress? Leave a comment…

If you have a teen step/daughter or know anyone who does, you’ll want to read about sexting. Check out my newest post on psychologytoday.com–and leave a comment!

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stepmonster/200912/the-real-scandal-sexting/comments

Thanks to all of for your very moving comments/ letters to your partners’ exes and for reading my guest post, “What your child’s stepmom wants you to know about her life” on the No One’s the Bitch web site.

Jennifer Newcomb Marine has written a response, “What Your Husband’s Ex Wants You to Know About her Life.” Very interesting! Have a read and let me and/or Jennifer know what you think:

http://www.noonesthebitch.com/?p=467

Come join me for a discussion of stepfamily life this Wednesday, December 9 at 6:30 pm. at the Calhoun School, 81st and West End Avenue on Manhattan’s Upper West Side.

Whether you’re a “step” of some sort, the spouse or friend of one, divorced or separating, thinking about repartnering with kids, or just curious–all are welcome. I will facilitate discussion, answer your questions, and have copies of my book Stepmonster available for sale.

Hope to see you there!

I have a guest post on Jennifer Newcomb Marine and Carole Marine’s No One’s the Bitch Website today. As you know, I strongly feel that women don’t need the additional pressure of “fixing it” with hubby’s ex. Civility is often a difficult enough goal, and we need to be very careful about siphoning energy away from self-care and tending to our marriage, given how depleting stepmothering is, and how vulnerable remarriages with kids are to divorce. In the spirit of engineering the kind of civility that can make everyone’s life easier, and in the hopes of fostering mutual understanding, here’s my post.

www.noonesthebitch.com

Have a read and leave a comment–what would you like YOUR husband’s ex to know about your life?

Please check out my newest piece for the Huffington Post on stepfamilies and the 2010 U.S. Census. Without accurate numbers, there won’t be enough research–or support.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/wednesday-martin/stepfamilies-to-uncle-sam_b_373314.html

The December Issue of Stepmom magazine is here (www.stepmommag.com)! Lots of great reading as you gear up for your winter holiday nervous breakdown–Mary Kelly provides a priceless window onto an ex-wife’s (temporary) divorce regret; the sassy and hilarious Belle Mere remembers her first Christmas with sprogs; Erin Erickson on being a heavy-lifting “single” stepmom whose husband is out of town more often than not; Peggy Nolan on a stepfamily wedding; therapists/authors/experts Jacque Fletcher, Susan Swanson and Susan Wisdom all share their wisdom on topics from holiday survival to Mad Men; party girl Izzy Rose gives tips on how to do it right; I write about avoiding holiday stepmartyr syndrome; and Joel Schwartzberg tells divorced and remarried dads what they owe their partners–that would be US! There’s more where that came from. Believe it. Buy it. Read it.

I explore the phenomenon of co-wife cooperation and conflict worldwide in my most recent piece for Psychology Today. Have a read–and post a comment please!

http://www.psychologytoday.com/

There’s a new cultural pressure in town–to befriend your ex’s wife, or your husband’s ex. As you might know from reading my posts, I feel strongly that any woman married to a guy with kids and an ex should feel free to just say no to this pressure–to focus on her marriage and her own mental health and adjustment, given how depleting and decentering the role of stepmother can be and usually is.

But I have to give it up for my friend Jennifer Newcomb Marine and her co-author –and kids’ stepmother–Carol Marine. Like some of you, they chose to put their energy into engineering an effective parenting coalition, and a friendship. And they wrote a book about it: No One’s the Bitch: A Ten-Step Plan for the Mother and Stepmother Relationship. They will be talking about it on Tuesday, December 1st on the Dr. Phil Show. Let’s see if he lets them get a word in edgewise…it should be a great show. Tune in…and then leave a comment! Or just let me know here: how would you describe your relationship with your ex’s wife or partner?

http://www.drphil.com/