-”My husband is married to his kids, not to me. He’s so close to them. Whenever they show up I feel and am shunted to the side. If I complain, I’m a petty wicked stepmother. So I don’t say anything. And then I’m furious at him, and at them.”
-”When his kids are around he won’t even hold my hand. That hurts. And it makes me dread their visits.”
“He’s not finished with his ex. He does chores for her. He bickers with her like they’re still married. He’s at her beck and call and I’m fed up with it.”
-”This is a shadow of the marriage I hoped I would have–the fighting, the disappointment, the stress of dealing with his kids and his ex.”

You are right in your sense that when it comes to stepfamily life, without a good partnership you are nowhere. And with an airtight, satisfying alliance where you feel valued, loved, and part of a team of two, you can put up with and even thrive in the context of just about anything an uncooperative ex or resentful step/kids dish out.

Your partnership is what counts and is the key to success. Everything else–games of chicken about visitation with his ex, teen stepkinder with slovenly rooms and bad hygiene, stepkids who are disrespectful, sullen, or unwelcoming to a stepparent–are so much noise. What I mean is, fix the underlying issue by recalibrating your marriage so that it is a true partnership, and these other issues with repair themselves, or recede so much into the background that they matter less.

For example, if your teen stepson in residence is using drugs, that’s a huge problem and a huge stress on a marriage or partnership–particularly if you find yourself in that typical dynamic in a remarriage with children wherein you point out the problem with the kid’s behavior, and your husband dismisses your concern and minimizes the importance of what’s going on. At which point, you escalate your criticisms so he’ll take you seriously, and he grows ever more defensive and withdrawn and suggests, implicitly by ignoring you and explicitly by saying it, that you’re way too hard on his kids and there’s something wrong with your reaction.

Feels like a deal breaker, doesn’t it? Here’s another scenario: you’re both on the same page about what to do. You’re not thrilled to have your life once again waylaid by a teen stepkid who’s constantly creating drama and difficulty in your marriage and your life. You calmly tell your husband as much while also telling him that you feel bad for the stress it’s creating for him to have a kid breaking the rules. Your husband nods and says, “I know. It’s so frustrating for me and I’m his parent. I can only image how much you must resent this, and I don’t blame you one bit. Thanks for putting up with all this teen crap. I really feel lucky that you married me and you’re sticking it out with me.”

Yes, you can. Over the next weeks I’ll have stepfamily and martial and relationship experts doing guest posts to tell you how to realign the power imbalances in your home so your partnership feels and IS equitable, satisfying, and yes, happy.

A great place to start is psychoeducation–learning what’s normal for a couple in a repartnership with kids of any age, what dynamics are typical. One of the most common is putting the partnership last on the list of priorities as we put out fires with stepkinder and uncooperative exes.

Two great guest posts, one by Mary Kelly Williams, MA of www.marriedwithbaggage.com, and one by Susan Wisdom, author of Stepcoupling, illuminate why your couple bond is so important, and steps to take to keep it thriving.

Here’s Mary on “Finding Love in a Crowd”:

And Susan’s piece called “What Were You Thinking?!”

Have a read (have two!)….and leave a comment.

The doctor is in. Now you just have to find her or him.

First, a psychologytoday.com post by Mary Kelly Williams, on a marital therapist’s thoughts about “The Marriage Ref”:
www.psychologytoday.com/

And now, a few of my favorite shrinks…find their links under “resources” on the right hand margin of my blog:
-The National Stepfamily Resource Center lists therapists with stepfamily training and experience
-Jacque Fletcher, author of Becoming a Stepmom, offers coaching for stepmothers and couples in remarriage or repartnership with children
-Mary Kelly-Williams is a family and individual therapist who also happens to be an ex-wife and stepmother. She runs a Stepmonster support group in Boulder, CO but also does phone coaching
-Kela Price, certified stepfamily counselor and co-founder of Today’s Modern Family (formerly blendedfamilysoapopera.com does phone coaching
-Susan Swanson of The Stepfamily Center in Los Angeles, is tremendous resource for those of you in LA and surrounding areas. She has a radio show as well
-Joan Sarin of Stepfamily Solutions has a track record of helping stepmothers survive and thrive
-Rachelle Katz is a psychologist in Manhattan who also does phone coaching
-Susan Wisdom, author of Stepcoupling, counsels couples in Portland, OR
-The Institute for Contemporary Psychotherapy in Manhattan has a number of highly qualified therapists, many of whom know about stepfamily life and dynamics from first-hand experience

If you have personal experience with a therapist you found to be knowledgeable about stepfamily issues and helpful to you, please let me know: email me at wednesday@wednesdaymartin.com

How do you balance your needs as a couple with the kids' needs?

Have a look at her piece, “Your Needs, the Kids’ Needs–What’s a Stepcouple to Do?”

And let me know: How do you and your husband or partner balance these needs?

Lose the third wheel--by obsessing less about your husband's ex

http://www.stepcoupling.com/2010/01/why-do-you-care-about-the-ex/comment-page-1/#comment-295

The December Issue of Stepmom magazine is here (www.stepmommag.com)! Lots of great reading as you gear up for your winter holiday nervous breakdown–Mary Kelly provides a priceless window onto an ex-wife’s (temporary) divorce regret; the sassy and hilarious Belle Mere remembers her first Christmas with sprogs; Erin Erickson on being a heavy-lifting “single” stepmom whose husband is out of town more often than not; Peggy Nolan on a stepfamily wedding; therapists/authors/experts Jacque Fletcher, Susan Swanson and Susan Wisdom all share their wisdom on topics from holiday survival to Mad Men; party girl Izzy Rose gives tips on how to do it right; I write about avoiding holiday stepmartyr syndrome; and Joel Schwartzberg tells divorced and remarried dads what they owe their partners–that would be US! There’s more where that came from. Believe it. Buy it. Read it.

Dealing with teen stepkids can polarize the couple. Read what does Susan Wisdom, author of Stepcoupling, has to say.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stepmonster/200911/teens-can-drive-you-nuts-especially-when-theyre-not-yours

“She’s done it! Martin has told the TRUTH about being a stepmother, backed up with extensive research, interviews, and stories. With deep understanding and empathy for women with stepchildren, Stepmonster will inspire stepcouples, benefitting them and their kids.

I wholeheartedly endorse this surprising, honest, fascinating book and will recommend it to anyone on the journey of stepcoupling, stepparenting, and especially stepmothering.”

My goodness, I have to lie down now. Meanwhile, check out Susan’s book, Stepcoupling, available in bookstores and on-line, and as I have mentioned, a classic in stepfamily studies. The link to her website is on my blog list of resources: www.stepcoupling.com