Wednesday Martin

Marty Babits is a friend, colleague, and truly gifted therapist who does individual and couples work. His book The Middle Ground is one of the few out there that speaks not just to people in relationships, but those of us in remarriages or repartnerships with children as well.

I asked Marty to share some of his thoughts about Valentine’s Day and here’s what he had to say…

Limits in the middle ground are not placed on partners by each other but are presented by circumstances or adversity. Leaving Eros out of the middle ground is a little like envisioning a healthy diet without a thought about acquiring fresh and delicious food.

1. Number one will come as a surprise to many. A school of prominent psychoanalysts inform us that a person’s ability to become surprised – by others as well as by themselves – is a reliable index of their state of mental health! A person whose existence lacks an occasional, or even more frequent, surprise may have shut down their capacity for spontaneity. Delight is the best variation of surprise on Valentine’s Day, so: Take a chance on doing something that, though decidedly out of the ordinary, you have confidence will bring a smile to your partner’s face. Pleasing a child in this way is a snap. Why is it harder to make it work for a grown-up? Because our capacity for surprise grows rusty in proportion to our accumulated responsibilities; so consider this a rebalancing exercise. Dress up is always an option, whether you go in the Victoria’s-Secret direction or become a walking replica of your partner’s male-to-die-for-fantasy. If you can’t think of a specific character to take residence up within, how about becoming a masked mysterious caller. Whatever works as long as it playfully surprises.

2. Put some thought into giving your partner a means to true satisfaction. Shuffle a deck of index cards, each of which has a coupon value written clearly on the underside. For example, one may say, twenty minute back massage; another may say, I’m in the mood to please, tell me what I can do for you –again, as in all suggestions here, no one is ever obligated to do anything they find unappealing. So, if you ask for something and it’s refused, go on to wish number two. Another card may say, let’s spend a day at the spa together or any other pleasurable sensual experience that you wish to plan together. I’d like to take you to the restaurant of your choice, or tell me where you’d like us to go together may work. A proven winner: Play the second movement of Mozart’s violin concerto #3 in G Major (adagio) – it’s under ten minutes and guaranteed to transport you both - try it even if classical music tends to leave you cold! (Find it in the public library or download it from iTunes)

3 – Take a brief detour just over the steamy border of your comfort zone. Sex therapists strategize ways to help couples feel more comfortable talking about what they feel in the realm of touch, affection, love-making; this can mean revealing what each of you likes, dislikes or feels they could take or leave. Do you know what kinds of touches your partner likes? Have you ever articulated what you enjoy? Has either of you ever actual broached these topics in conversation? If you have not had talks like these with your partner, try taking turns expressing your feelings and curiosity by candlelight. Aim for anything from giggly fun to dumbstruck deer-in-the-headlight enlightenment. Guideline: state explicitly that if either you or your partner feels uncomfortable in the conversation that you both agree to stop immediately without any pressure or negative repercussions. Whether the dialogue builds momentum or is short-lived, being able to respect each other enough to stop with sensitivity can be a trust-builder with enormous positive repercussions!

Valentine’s Day is a day to brighten up the spirit of mutual renewal. Forget about your grievances for this time period and go with the flow of honoring each other’s initiative in event and decision-making. Give yourselves something to remember and look forward to – and if you must, throw in a few chocolates, flowers and even a Valentine’s Day card for good measure. There’s no harm in any of it.

Marty Babits, LCSW
Author, The Power of the Middle Ground: A Couple’s Guide to Renewing Your Relationship

A few days ago I published a piece on psychologytoday.com called “Is Marriage Necessary?” You can also link to it via the post below.

One Boston University study found that nearly 75% of women with stepkids they interviewed would NOT do it over again–would not marry a man with kids, that is. Would you? Tell me about it (and remember your posts here are anonymous!)

No, that’s not a typo. This post in the Sex, Love, Lust, Romance, Power series as we count down to Valentine’s Day is about something every woman with stepkids need to learn: self love.

As I was researching my book Stepmonster, one woman with teen stepkids told me her secret motto was, “Love yourself because your teen stepkids sure won’t!” Unfortunately this observation often holds true for younger and even older stepkids, too. In terribly loyalty binds, they perceive loving or even liking you as a betrayal of mom. And your efforts to win them over will only exacerbate their internal conflict, and their rejection of you.

Take heart–this is not an impossible bind. In spite of your relational tendencies, your need to have the love and approval of everyone, and the feeling that you have failed if you don’t have it from your stepkids, there is a way around it all. Stop focusing on winning them over. Start focusing on your partnership and yourself.

Self care is an important Valentine’s Day gift I’d like to see every woman with stepkids give herself. Because the research is clear that women who take time away from their stepfamilies and even their partners to go out with friends, read a novel, catch a movie mid-day, go for a walk, meditate, get a massage, and more are the ones with increased resilience in stressful situations–including steplife. No joke: self-love and self-care are your Rx.

Tell me here and now: What will you give YOURSELF for Valentine’s Day, to usher in a year of self-love in the face of the challenges of stepmothering? Check out self-care guru Peggy Nolan’s tips at thestepmomstoolbox.com for ideas if you need help.