Wednesday Martin

In researching my book Stepmonster, I came across dozens of studies in the sociological and psychological literature on stepfamily adjustment concluding that stepmothers have the toughest adjustment trajectory; experience high levels of anxiety; and are prone to burn-out, depletion, and even clinical depression at rates higher than mothers or stepfathers.

There’s plenty to do about it. Seek out social support–whether that means other women with stepchildren who can offer compassion in a way perhaps no one else can, a therapist, rabbi or minister who can hear and advise without judging–learn to fight in a way that strengthens rather than destroys your bond with your partner, and educate yourself about what’s NORMAL in a remarriage or repartnership with kids so you don’t go crazy thinking it’s all your fault and you’re all alone.

I could go on, and in other posts, I have. But today I want to let Kim Cottrell, a Feldenkrais practitioner and blogger, talk about how stress affects not just our minds but our bodies. You all have written me about how the pressures of remarriage with children keep you from enjoying a good night’s sleep for months on end; about panic attacks; about hair loss and weight loss and weight gain; and about other disorders your doctors have told you are stress-related. Kim’s words about standing tall might help, and inspire you.

Standing Inside Your Life
by Kim Cottrell

Remember when you met your husband? You floated along as light as a feather, standing tall in the face of the love you shared and the hope in your heart. And then step-life happened and with it came the weight of what it is to be a stepmother in a family with unresolved conflicts, active grief, and outright rejection.

Many a strong, independent, self-assured woman has lost her postures of confidence somewhere along the way. In my own experience, the overwhelm of becoming a part of a stepfamily felt like one of my brothers had pulled a big joke on me, lying in wait and pulling my legs out from under me when I rounded the corner. I fell down, heart thumping with disbelief and dismay.

Even if you were overflowing with bliss when you fell in love, completely convinced that you’d be different from every other stepmother, there came at least one day when you curled up on the bed, sobbed into the pillow, tissues bunched in both hands, and remembered your life before this man and these children. According to the experts, you have a high likelihood of developing depression or anxiety.

I had no idea being a stepmother would bring such a challenge. My legs were swept out from under me and I struggled to find where to stand in the face of negativity and disenfranchisement. I gradually came to my senses and applied the learning strategies I’ve gained from 16 years as a Feldenkrais practitioner to my role as a stepmother. And, now, four years into the marriage and six years into the relationship, I can see where to stand so my feet are on solid ground. I know that even when life feels overwhelmingly heavy I am still flexible and resilient to what may come. And, this same resiliency is available to every one of you, no matter what your role.

Every stepmother needs three things to be and live her fullest potential. First, she needs to live inside her own skin and not vacate the premises when the trauma comes. Second, she needs to use good posture to her every advantage. And, third, she needs to remain steady with an ability to wait.

One way that I teach a woman to stay inside her skin is to help her find her feet in standing. Every woman needs to be able to balance on her own feet and know how to find her center so she can return there as needed. She cannot feel her feet when she lives in her thoughts, feelings, or judgments. She has to return to the kinesthetic sensation of what it is to draw in a breath, to push against the ground to stand up, or to look around herself to find her direction. If there is a place to work with yourself, it is in this not abandoning ship or vacating body as you do when you feel threatened or anxious.

Once you know how to find your feet then you can direct your attention to come back home in any situation. Practice while you’re waiting in line at the grocery store or brushing your teeth in the morning. Every time you find yourself ruminating or going through your laundry list, pause and bring your attention to the contact your feet make with the ground. Don’t ask yourself to change, just notice. After those types of practice, you’ll more easily access your homing in those high stress situations such as family dinners and weekends with kids. Over time, you can focus on other aspects of your experience, but for now keep it simple. Just notice how you stand on your feet.

Think about your posture when you leave your body. Admittedly, that’s a trick question because you can’t think about posture when you aren’t in your body. You can only know what happens to your posture when you are inside your own experience, living inside that skin. If that’s true, then every time a stepfamily trauma happens and you leave your body, you have no idea what occurs. It’s essential that you find a way to stick around and see what happens.

Now then, about your posture? In order to change posture, you first have to know more about what you do. Do you feel tall and solid in your calmest state? Do you feel clunky as you move through your day? And, think back to your reactions in the face of criticism, complaint, or rejection. What do you do? How do you respond? Do you collapse? Do you puff up and get defensive? Do you go silent and purse your lips and walk out? Do you begin screaming in your effort to get them to stop? Can you breathe in that moment? Do you know your name in that moment?

You might think of healthy posture as a stool with three or four legs. A strong stool has legs that are arranged to balance and support the weight of a person. If one of those legs is damaged, then the stool cannot hold up the weight of the person and the person falls down. If a stepmother has poor posture or isn’t paying attention to herself, then literally, her legs are not solid under her and she may struggle very hard to stay upright. In those circumstances, the next family drama might well be the the weight that brings her to the ground.

The lesson here is to learn to let the ground hold you up. Don’t struggle with it or against it. Just let yourself be held up. The mysterious dance of strength and fluidity is what helps us organize against gravity, remain upright, stand comfortably, and not collapse in the face of a stepfamily storm. With a little attention to finding your feet in standing, you’ll be in a better position to access your strength and fluidity with just enough of one and not too much of the other. Go back to the lesson on finding your center. Within that are all the elements you need to figure out how to give your weight to the ground.

With a healthy posture, free breath, and the ability to move in any direction at any time, you can be resilient in the face of strain and pressure. You can wait. It’s inevitable that sometimes you’ll hold your breath and brace for what is to come, but you’ll recover and return to your resilient posture with grace and ease. In this way, your posture will more closely matches that posture you had when you first got married. The one where you floated along on that cloud.

If you can you find a way to live inside your own skin and stand on your own feet, then you can remain present in the face of anything. Not for someone else, but for yourself. If you can do that, you can be the strong, resilient, competent person you were in the beginning of your relationship. That person is still there, she has only temporarily been set aside in the way women set themselves aside. She needs to stand up and come into her body and take her space. That can happen quietly, without words. Or, it can happen suddenly, in a swoop and a whoop. Most importantly, it needs to happen.

Stay. Stand. Wait.

more by Kim Cottrell: http://ahealthystepmother.wordpress.com/2010/02/26/a-healthy-stepmother-learns-about-her-center/

“How can I decrease my sense of resentment when it comes to my partner’s kids?” you readers keep writing and asking. Or, how to “witness that a stepchild has problems–whether it’s that he or she doesn’t try in school, is spoiled by mom and dad, is entitled or irresponsible, hasn’t developed key and age-appropriate life skills, or acts out in any number of ways–rather than experience it viscerally” and be torn apart by it?

In the end, problems between women and their stepchildren of any age can be traced to problems with the couple. If you have a partner or a husband or wife with whom you share a common vision of your stepparental role; who communicates to his kids that you are to be respected at the very least, and that you’re not going anywhere and treating you like a piece of furniture is not okay; then whatever his kids and ex throw at you, you can withstand. It’s not necessarily going to be fun at some points, but if you’re in an equitable partnership, you can survive just about anything steplife presents.

If your partnership is not there yet, there are steps you can take in the interim to reduce your resentment of stepchildren of any age who act out toward you or are simply ungrateful for your efforts on their behalf. Most importantly, you have got to start doing less. Today. This instant. Listen: Stepmartyrs are complicit in their mistreatment by his kids. In fact, stepmartyrs engineer their own mistreatment by his kids. No one can make you a stepmartyr but you. And you can stop it, too. Most women who write to me about finding steplife unbearable mention doing and doing and doing for his kids–and never receiving any acknowledgment whatever–let alone thanks.

So why do you keep doing it? Do you think it’s your job to be a stepmartyr? Who put you up to this? Is anyone holding a gun to your head? I doubt it. You’ve got to relax your expectations of yourself–radically and dramatically–and stop doing much of anything for anyone who doesn’t appreciate it if you are feeling depleted, resentful, and angry about your stepkids and your marriage or partnership.

Call it whatever you want–disengaging, stepping back, dialing it down–the words don’t matter but the reframing of your role, the redefining of your expectations of yourself, does.

Techniques for distancing themselves from unappreciative stepchildren that women with stepkids and experts alike have suggested to me all have one thing in common: they strive to transform the woman from a “stepmartyr” into a person who is healthily empowered and central in her household.

-Stop doing housework for your stepkids. Unless they are very little, they can wash their own dishes, help with dinner, make their own beds. Big ones can do their own laundry and sheets. Or their dad can. Or he can hire a cleaning person, if you have the financial flexibility for that. If you don’t feel like a maid, you might actually enjoy time with your stepkids. Or at least resent them less. “What do I do about the dishes piling up in the sink and the unfed dogs?” you wrote. You can have a conversation with your partner about the fact that you are going to be dialing back your involvement a bit for the sake of your marriage and your ability to have a relationship with his kids down the road–so this won’t come as a surprise. And so that, when the dishes pile up, it’s clear that they’re not yours to wash.
-Keep separate finances to lessen your sense that you are their financial maid as well. Think about it.
-Top your reserve tank off before a weekend or holiday together by doing something you want–and giving the kids or adult kids time alone with dad to boot. When they first show up, do something indulgent and satisfying for yourself (rather than just “hiding out” and feeling exiled from your own home). What would YOU like to do? Massage? Pedicure? Night out with friends? You might find that in this way, you actually look forward to his kids showing up. I’m not kidding. Or at least you’ll have a nice pedicure.
-Establish a rule that the couple gets to spend time alone when his kids are around, no matter what. If they’re visiting, make time to go for a walk without them. If the kids are in residence, weekly date night is a must. I say this as a person whose own date nights are notoriously lame (we once went to the post office and then Starbucks for our “date night,” but as least we got out). One smart couples therapist I know requires his couples in a remarriage with children who have weekend visitation to spend Monday morning after the kids leave alone together unless it’s utterly impossible. This way you reconnect after what may have been a stressful couple of days. Or even a fun couple of days without a lot of down time together.
-A written stepfamily contract. That’s right, a document you and your husband or partner come up with together to get on the same page about what’s to be expected of his kids of any age when they’re around. It might be a charged undertaking, but it can also help you and your partner come to an understanding about what you each expect. Depending on their age, dad might expect them to sign the contract, too. It can spell out what is no longer okay (ex. “taking stepmom’s stuff without asking” or “swearing at stepmom,” “smoking in the house,” etc.) but also sweeten the deal and make you seem reasonable with offers like “some alone time with dad every time you’re here.” For adult stepkids, this can be a contract between you and your husband about what you can both reasonably expect of one another when his kids are around.
-Bulwark, bulwark, bulwark to decrease your sense of being overwhelmed and outnumbered and on duty. Have YOUR friends in the house when his kids of any age show up. Make plans for people who help you feel supported and understood on hand all around you the entire time his kids are around. Isolation is your worst enemy so buoy yourself with pals. In your house. As needed. Call in for reinforcements.

“How do I sell this to my husband?” Good question. Let’s be strategic here. It never helps, no matter how angry you are, to come across that way. Men are notoriously quick to retreat in the face of female rage, no matter how righteous! So present yourself to your husband as what you truly are: sad, disappointed, and needing to give this one more try. “I think that part of the reason I’m so resentful of your kids is that I’m doing too much. I think if I did less, it wouldn’t matter that they don’t always remember to say ‘thank you’ or that they sometimes don’t acknowledge me at all. I might be able to salvage my warm feelings for them, and those feelings might even grow, if I were less resentful.” Explain to your partner that, since these kids aren’t yours, you need to be extra careful about allowing a relationship to grow–since it’s not an automatic thing–and that stepping back and doing less is one way experts recommend you do this.

You can explain the bulwarking in the same way. The more buoyed and supported you are, the less vulnerable you will feel–and be. That’s better for not only you but for your partnership and your relationship with his kids down the line.

Tell me about it–what are YOUR techniques to decrease your resentment of stepchildren who do not acknowledge your efforts–or perhaps even your presence? What has worked for you?

As a follow-up to Kela Price’s recent guest post about how to find a therapist to help you and your remarriage/partnership with stepkids, a couple of other things that might interest you as we wend our way toward Top Stepmother Concern #3 in the next few days.

First, a psychologytoday.com post by Mary Kelly Williams, on a marital therapist’s thoughts about “The Marriage Ref”:
www.psychologytoday.com/

And now, a few of my favorite shrinks…find their links under “resources” on the right hand margin of my blog:
-The National Stepfamily Resource Center lists therapists with stepfamily training and experience
-Jacque Fletcher, author of Becoming a Stepmom, offers coaching for stepmothers and couples in remarriage or repartnership with children
-Mary Kelly-Williams is a family and individual therapist who also happens to be an ex-wife and stepmother. She runs a Stepmonster support group in Boulder, CO but also does phone coaching
-Kela Price, certified stepfamily counselor and co-founder of Today’s Modern Family (formerly blendedfamilysoapopera.com does phone coaching
-Susan Swanson of The Stepfamily Center in Los Angeles, is tremendous resource for those of you in LA and surrounding areas. She has a radio show as well
-Joan Sarin of Stepfamily Solutions has a track record of helping stepmothers survive and thrive
-Rachelle Katz is a psychologist in Manhattan who also does phone coaching
-Susan Wisdom, author of Stepcoupling, counsels couples in Portland, OR
-The Institute for Contemporary Psychotherapy in Manhattan has a number of highly qualified therapists, many of whom know about stepfamily life and dynamics from first-hand experience

If you have personal experience with a therapist you found to be knowledgeable about stepfamily issues and helpful to you, please let me know: email me at wednesday@wednesdaymartin.com

Over the months, many of you have written me about your concerns as women with stepchildren. I’d like to list and address the top ten–so I need your help. What’s on your list of top concerns? Here are some ideas from all of you so far (not in any order)…

Top Concerns of Women with Stepchildren…
-My stepkids don’t like me
-I don’t like my stepkids
-My stepkids and my kids don’t get along (or, what can I do to make life with stepsiblings easier for my kids?)
-I feel like an Outsider in my own home/ I feel less than an equal partner with my spouse/partner (my partner puts his kids first and our marriage last)
-Stepfamily tensions are taking over my life/my marriage
-I feel jealous of my stepkids/my husband’s ex
-Finances (child support, husband paying above and beyond child support, not enough money, etc.)

What are your top concerns?

I recently posted a piece on my blog that summarizes the research on how and why friendship is good for you. Now I want to know about YOUR friendships and support networks.

Fun fact: Did you know friendship benefits your health and emotional well-being even if you’re not in regular touch with your friends according to at least one study?

TELL ME ABOUT IT:
How many friends do you have? How many do you feel can listen to you talk about problems you might have step-wise in a supportive, non-judgmental way? When was your last get-together or contact with a friend and what did you do? Are you part of an organization–temple, mosque, church, support group–that gives you a feeling of community and support? Make a plan to see a friend right now, and tell us about what you’ll be doing.

Fourteen days until Valentine’s Day. What does this holiday mean for those of us in a remarriage or repartnership with children?

Over the next 14 days check in for posts about love, sex, romance, passion, and power in a remarriage with children.

Today you can check out my article for StepMom Magazine: “Get It On–Sex and the Woman with Stepkids.” Yes, you’ll have to subscribe to StepMom Magazine to read it–but it’s well worth it. Look for other articles by Mary Kelly-Williams of www.marriedwithbaggage.com, Susan Wisdom of Stepcoupling fame, the fantastic Jacque Fletcher, the witty La Belle Mere, and more. Have a look:
http://www.stepmommag.com/

Please tune in for my live interview on Author Exposure/BlogTalk Radio this Wednesday January 6th at 12:30 p.m. Host Traci Green and I will discuss Stepmonster and stepmother reality. She’s dating a man with kids–get ready to dish!

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/catch-that-book

Come join me for a discussion of stepfamily life this Wednesday, December 9 at 6:30 pm. at the Calhoun School, 81st and West End Avenue on Manhattan’s Upper West Side.

Whether you’re a “step” of some sort, the spouse or friend of one, divorced or separating, thinking about repartnering with kids, or just curious–all are welcome. I will facilitate discussion, answer your questions, and have copies of my book Stepmonster available for sale.

Hope to see you there!

I learned about Elizabeth Saitta’s work on a trip to Boston. She is an art teacher married to a man with children from a previous marriage. She recently earned her MFA from the Massachusetts College of Art and Design.

Her relationship with her husband and her relationship to stepmotherhood has informed Elizabeth’s work–which I love for its amazing fusion of the ethereal, the representational, and the symbolic–in fundamental ways. For her MFA thesis show (www.massartedgrad.org), she put together a powerful and thought-provoking group of works in a number of media–ink on paper and cheesecloth, wood, recycled aluminum, plaster. She’s better at discussing her work than I am so I will let her descriptions of this first piece, “Reality” (a repeated and fading image of a wedding dress) speak for themselves.

Elizabeth on “Reality” (ink on paper, 2008):
Ahhh yes….the wedding dress. Since I was about 9, I have thought and thought and thought about what my dress would look like, who I would marry, how many kids I would have, where I would live. I had so many expectations and I really believed they would all come true. The dress was my great-aunt’s. She gave it to my mom and my mom gave it to me. The dress represents the expectations of marriage that are so often handed down from generation to generation. I was happy and willing to buy into those expectations. And that is one of the things which has made it hard for me to come to grips with my situation sometimes. Things I thought I would have I will never have. I will never have a husband who has only said, “I do” to me. I will never be able to say that my husband is my husband and mine only. It is all too painfully tattooed in my mind and soul that my husband was another woman’s husband for 10 years. Sometimes that hurts me so badly, I can hardly breathe. Even just thinking of my wedding day – we went to Vegas and got married – just the two of us – I see the complication that exists when part of a step family. I wore a black shirt and shorts. No dress. And while I know it was the right decision for me and I would not have done it any other way being in the situation I’m in, it still leaves me with some pain.

I wanted to get married that way, because I wanted that day to be about my husband and me. I knew if we did a big, traditional wedding, the day would no longer be about the two of us, it would be about the four of us…me, my husband and his daughter and son. It would not have been the two of us standing up there, it would have been all four of us, pledging to be the “perfect” family. And I was not willing to sacrifice my wedding day. I would sacrifice the dress, the cake, the dancing…and I’ve continued to sacrifice a lot for my husband and my step kids….but I would not sacrifice that. Even now as I write this, I’m thinking, “Does this make me a horrible person? If someone read this, would they think I am a witch?” And you know, yes, there would be some who would think that…but oh well. They are not me and they do not know what I go through on a daily basis.

The only regrets I have are in regards to my family. I know I hurt my mom and dad very much, by going and getting married without them and as I sit here, my eyes well up, knowing I caused them pain. But I had to do what was right for me and I see now how much I have to do that as a stepmom – I am always fighting and nudging to get myself heard and make myself matter. That is why the dress in this piece fades. My reality is not the expectations of my great aunt or my mother. That can be equal parts painful and liberating.

Please check out my newest post for Psychology Today about the Astor trial.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stepmonster/200910/is-woman-wicked
Phillip Marshall has accused his stepmother, Charlene Marshall, of conniving, scheming, and pulling the strings. Basically, Phillip says, his Dad isn’t guilty–his stepmom is. Have a look–and leave a comment!

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stepmonster/200910/is-woman-wicked