Wednesday Martin

As a follow-up to Kela Price’s recent guest post about how to find a therapist to help you and your remarriage/partnership with stepkids, a couple of other things that might interest you as we wend our way toward Top Stepmother Concern #3 in the next few days.

First, a psychologytoday.com post by Mary Kelly Williams, on a marital therapist’s thoughts about “The Marriage Ref”:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stepmonster/201003/marital-therapist-the-marriage-ref-my-worst-nightmare

And now, a few of my favorite shrinks…find their links under “resources” on the right hand margin of my blog:
-The National Stepfamily Resource Center lists therapists with stepfamily training and experience
-Jacque Fletcher, author of Becoming a Stepmom, offers coaching for stepmothers and couples in remarriage or repartnership with children
-Mary Kelly-Williams is a family and individual therapist who also happens to be an ex-wife and stepmother. She runs a Stepmonster support group in Boulder, CO but also does phone coaching
-Kela Price, certified stepfamily counselor and co-founder of Today’s Modern Family (formerly blendedfamilysoapopera.com does phone coaching
-Susan Swanson of The Stepfamily Center in Los Angeles, is tremendous resource for those of you in LA and surrounding areas. She has a radio show as well
-Joan Sarin of Stepfamily Solutions has a track record of helping stepmothers survive and thrive
-Rachelle Katz is a psychologist in Manhattan who also does phone coaching
-Susan Wisdom, author of Stepcoupling, counsels couples in Portland, OR

If you have personal experience with a therapist you found to be knowledgeable about stepfamily issues and helpful to you, please let me know: email me at wednesday@wednesdaymartin.com

Over the months, many of you have written me about your concerns as women with stepchildren. I’d like to list and address the top ten–so I need your help. What’s on your list of top concerns? Here are some ideas from all of you so far (not in any order)…

Top Concerns of Women with Stepchildren…
-My stepkids don’t like me
-I don’t like my stepkids
-My stepkids and my kids don’t get along (or, what can I do to make life with stepsiblings easier for my kids?)
-I feel like an Outsider in my own home/ I feel less than an equal partner with my spouse/partner (my partner puts his kids first and our marriage last)
-Stepfamily tensions are taking over my life/my marriage
-I feel jealous of my stepkids/my husband’s ex
-Finances (child support, husband paying above and beyond child support, not enough money, etc.)

What are your top concerns?

I recently posted a piece on my blog that summarizes the research on how and why friendship is good for you. Now I want to know about YOUR friendships and support networks.

Fun fact: Did you know friendship benefits your health and emotional well-being even if you’re not in regular touch with your friends according to at least one study?

TELL ME ABOUT IT:
How many friends do you have? How many do you feel can listen to you talk about problems you might have step-wise in a supportive, non-judgmental way? When was your last get-together or contact with a friend and what did you do? Are you part of an organization–temple, mosque, church, support group–that gives you a feeling of community and support? Make a plan to see a friend right now, and tell us about what you’ll be doing.

Fourteen days until Valentine’s Day. What does this holiday mean for those of us in a remarriage or repartnership with children?

Over the next 14 days check in for posts about love, sex, romance, passion, and power in a remarriage with children.

Today you can check out my article for StepMom Magazine: “Get It On–Sex and the Woman with Stepkids.” Yes, you’ll have to subscribe to StepMom Magazine to read it–but it’s well worth it. Look for other articles by Mary Kelly-Williams of www.marriedwithbaggage.com, Susan Wisdom of Stepcoupling fame, the fantastic Jacque Fletcher, the witty La Belle Mere, and more. Have a look:
http://www.stepmommag.com/

Please tune in for my live interview on Author Exposure/BlogTalk Radio this Wednesday January 6th at 12:30 p.m. Host Traci Green and I will discuss Stepmonster and stepmother reality. She’s dating a man with kids–get ready to dish!

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/catch-that-book

Come join me for a discussion of stepfamily life this Wednesday, December 9 at 6:30 pm. at the Calhoun School, 81st and West End Avenue on Manhattan’s Upper West Side.

Whether you’re a “step” of some sort, the spouse or friend of one, divorced or separating, thinking about repartnering with kids, or just curious–all are welcome. I will facilitate discussion, answer your questions, and have copies of my book Stepmonster available for sale.

Hope to see you there!

I learned about Elizabeth Saitta’s work on a trip to Boston. She is an art teacher married to a man with children from a previous marriage. She recently earned her MFA from the Massachusetts College of Art and Design.

Her relationship with her husband and her relationship to stepmotherhood has informed Elizabeth’s work–which I love for its amazing fusion of the ethereal, the representational, and the symbolic–in fundamental ways. For her MFA thesis show (www.massartedgrad.org), she put together a powerful and thought-provoking group of works in a number of media–ink on paper and cheesecloth, wood, recycled aluminum, plaster. She’s better at discussing her work than I am so I will let her descriptions of this first piece, “Reality” (a repeated and fading image of a wedding dress) speak for themselves.

Elizabeth on “Reality” (ink on paper, 2008):
Ahhh yes….the wedding dress. Since I was about 9, I have thought and thought and thought about what my dress would look like, who I would marry, how many kids I would have, where I would live. I had so many expectations and I really believed they would all come true. The dress was my great-aunt’s. She gave it to my mom and my mom gave it to me. The dress represents the expectations of marriage that are so often handed down from generation to generation. I was happy and willing to buy into those expectations. And that is one of the things which has made it hard for me to come to grips with my situation sometimes. Things I thought I would have I will never have. I will never have a husband who has only said, “I do” to me. I will never be able to say that my husband is my husband and mine only. It is all too painfully tattooed in my mind and soul that my husband was another woman’s husband for 10 years. Sometimes that hurts me so badly, I can hardly breathe. Even just thinking of my wedding day – we went to Vegas and got married – just the two of us – I see the complication that exists when part of a step family. I wore a black shirt and shorts. No dress. And while I know it was the right decision for me and I would not have done it any other way being in the situation I’m in, it still leaves me with some pain.

I wanted to get married that way, because I wanted that day to be about my husband and me. I knew if we did a big, traditional wedding, the day would no longer be about the two of us, it would be about the four of us…me, my husband and his daughter and son. It would not have been the two of us standing up there, it would have been all four of us, pledging to be the “perfect” family. And I was not willing to sacrifice my wedding day. I would sacrifice the dress, the cake, the dancing…and I’ve continued to sacrifice a lot for my husband and my step kids….but I would not sacrifice that. Even now as I write this, I’m thinking, “Does this make me a horrible person? If someone read this, would they think I am a witch?” And you know, yes, there would be some who would think that…but oh well. They are not me and they do not know what I go through on a daily basis.

The only regrets I have are in regards to my family. I know I hurt my mom and dad very much, by going and getting married without them and as I sit here, my eyes well up, knowing I caused them pain. But I had to do what was right for me and I see now how much I have to do that as a stepmom – I am always fighting and nudging to get myself heard and make myself matter. That is why the dress in this piece fades. My reality is not the expectations of my great aunt or my mother. That can be equal parts painful and liberating.

Please check out my newest post for Psychology Today about the Astor trial.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stepmonster/200910/is-woman-wicked
Phillip Marshall has accused his stepmother, Charlene Marshall, of conniving, scheming, and pulling the strings. Basically, Phillip says, his Dad isn’t guilty–his stepmom is. Have a look–and leave a comment!

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stepmonster/200910/is-woman-wicked

I’m delighted to be doing live chat, Q&A and a Stepmonster giveaway Tuesday, Oct 13 with Peggy Nolan of The Stepmom’s Toolbox. Check out Peggy’s wonderful site for more details and hope to “see” you there!

http://thestepmomstoolbox.com/

For those of you who’d like a shot at a free copy of Stepmonster (I know! I know! Twenty-five bucks is a lot for a book), check out the Stepmonster giveaway on Blisstree.com. All you have to do is read the review and then leave a comment about how/why having a copy of Stepmonster would help you:

http://www.blisstree.com/articles/book-giveaway-stepmonster/

Good luck!