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I’m now posting for psychologytoday.com about women with stepchildren. I’ll be posting there weekly, and the posts will be different from the ones on my own blog. Have a read…
Thank you to those who emailed me about having physically violent stepchildren. I plan to send out questionnaires to all who email me expressing interest in participating in my research on the topic. If I am slow to respond, it is only because of the overwhelming number of emails I am receiving. Please be patient as I really do want to know about your experiences, and will do my best to be in touch a week or two after receiving your email.
Again my email address is wednesday@wednesdaymartin.com
I’ve been wondering, How are we to understand the Canadian fascination with all things stepfamily-related? From their ground-breaking research to their break-out artists like Karen Piovaty (featured below on my blog) to their insatiable media interest in all step-topics, you have to wonder, Is it something in the water? I don’t know. But it’s working for this woman with stepchildren: Canada has been very, very good to me. A review of Stepmonster recently ran in 18 Canadian newspapers on the same day, and just a while later, the CBC did a second interview with me, this one for their radio show, Definitely Not the Opera, for which the theme was “An Inside Look at Outsiders.”
The CBC radio show features stories of a number of people talking about their lives and experiences as outsiders. Taking a very different approach to the stepmothering topic–DNTO set my first-person story to music. I think it’s a story many women with stepkids can relate to, so here’s the link for those who want to check it out (my story is about 3/4 of the way through the program, but all the stories are pretty interesting so you might want to listen to the whole thing…)
http://podcast.com/show/2688/
Much is written about Mother’s Day being a difficult day for women with stepchildren. Especially for those who came into the lives of those stepchildren when they were very young, took an active role in parenting them, and are not acknowledged on The Day. Anyone who has read my book Stepmonster knows that I am the last one who would tell those women how they “should” feel on Mother’s Day, or what is “right” or “wrong” to expect from their stepchildren and husbands on that charged and overdetermined day. Women with stepchildren hear enough lectures and shoulds. It gets old when it’s your feelings at stake. Time to let stepmothers just have them, without promptly shoving a list like “Ten Ways to Be a Better Stepmother” into their hands right after.
The sting of not being acknowledged on Mother’s Day might be especially sharp for a highly involved stepmother who never had kids with her husband. For many of us, motherhood is the buffer against some of the occasional insults and indignities of stepmotherhood, a safe place and a terrain of comparative ease, at least on That Sunday. Those without the buffer are likely to feel, well, exposed and unprotected.
Then, seven days after, belated and second-best, comes Stepmother’s Day. You weren’t thinking it would come first, were you? Or that it would be a big deal, taking up 25 pages of advertising in the New York Times? Even though stepfamilies outnumber first families in the U.S. Even though half of all women in the U.S. will become stepmothers or stepmother figures. You weren’t thinking anyone would really know about it, let alone celebrate it, were you? Get real.
Stepmother’s Day? I’ve never heard of that, a number of people, including some women with stepchildren, have told me. Don’t let that stop you. You could tell your husband or partner that on the 17th you want a card, a massage, or some kind of recognition for doing the stepmother thing. Whether you think of yourself as a stepmother or not, whether his kids are grown and living halfway across the country, whether you embrace or ignore your role as “stepmother,” it is, in fact, your day. So for all the times you bought into the myth that, when you’re a stepmother, your happiness counts less than anyone else’s in the family, on the 17th, make sure you put your happiness first. It will probably be a very strange feeling, and a very unfamiliar one, particularly if you are in the eye of the stepmothering storm at this point, but you might find you come to like it. And that you want to make putting yourself at the center of your own life a more-than-once-a-year thing.
We can only hope. Happy Stepmother’s Day.
If you’d like to hear podcasts (and watch a video) of my recent NPR interviews about Stepmonster, become my fan on Facebook (go to the “About the Author” page on my website, www.wednesdaymartin.com and click on “become a fan on Facebook”). Then, when you click on “Events” on my Facebook fan page, you’ll see three links for three different NPR podcasts, including the video excerpt from my interview with Brian Lehrer on WNYC.
Also, there is a Stepmonster giveaway on www.steptogether.org, a wonderful resource for women with stepchildren and stepfamilies. Check it out! UPDATE: All copies were claimed in less than two hours, giveaway is closed. Happy reading!
Stepmother’s Day is May 17th. Would you like a little acknowledgment?
If you’d like Oprah to do a show on stepmothers–email her!! Cut and paste this link:
https://www.oprah.com/ord/plugform.jsp?plugId=216
If this link doesn’t work, go to oprah.com, scroll to the bottom of the page, click on “contact us” and then “suggest a show idea.” It couldn’t hurt!
You might know about Jacque Fletcher’s terrific book, A Career Girl’s Guide to Becoming a Stepmom, and her smart and popular blog, becomingastepmom. Jacque has been featuring Stepmonster of late–I’m so excited to have her support here, and grateful that she’s helping spread the message about the emotional reality of women with stepchildren. Check out her reviews and mentions of Stepmonster, and access to a podcast she and I recently recorded at:
I recently spoke with Susan Davis-Swanson of The Stepfamily Center in Beverly Hills. Susan is a therapist and stepmother herself, and she has a truly expert, compassionate sense of what women with stepchildren and stepfamilies go through. On Mother’s Day, I found her thoughts about the (impossible?) task of building a family culture where no one is an outsider especially insightful and reassuring. Susan is here addressing her remarks to those of us who are stepmothers and then have a baby of our own. The birth of a baby is an exciting, exhausting time for the mother–and a stepfamily flashpoint.
The only thing I would add to Susan’s remarks here is that, on Mother’s Day especially, don’t worry about not loving your stepkids “just like they’re your own.” It’s not a reasonable standard for the majority of us, because they’re not our own, and luckily they likely already have two parents who love them like crazy. Susan’s website (see my resources list) is full of great information, too.
Susan on having a new baby–and stepkids:
Like everything else in stepfamily life, building a family culture where nobody is or feels like the outsider can be very challenging. There are so many moveable parts in a stepfamily that you can have all the best intentions but there are so many things unknown (i.e., what loyalty bind the stepchildren are in; what is being said about you and your husband in the other household; their mom’s sadness about this not being her having a baby with their dad, her ex, and the kids knowing this; the children’s own feelings of jealousy and their fears of more loss). Still, if the stepchildren are a part of the family on a consistent basis, they could bond with the baby, especially if they are assured that they are not being replaced (their biggest fear). And if they didn’t get the type of love and attention by their bio moms that they see you giving the baby, there is likely to be resentment and, of course, jealousy.
But, remember, in a nuclear family a new baby can bring up many of these same emotions. So big brothers and sisters can “help” with the baby and play with the baby, and the baby can give them love and make them laugh. These experiences can become part of the new experiences of your stepfamily. Dad can talk to his other children about what they were like as babies and you can all hear the stories or put up everyone’s baby pictures, which can also develop deeper bonds. But if the stepchildren are infrequent “guests” in the house, it will be harder for them to feel like insiders. In fact, it may exacerbate their feelings of being cast aside. Be sensitive to these issues with the stepchildren by talking about them together, as a family.
An image of stepmothers I’ve been particularly focused on dispelling these last weeks as I speak to the media: empowered, evil excluders and victimizers. As any woman with stepchildren knows, and as the research so clearly spells out, our perceptions of who stepmothers are could not be further from the reality. The studies and anecdotal reports from mental health professionals who work with stepmothers actually paint a picture that will startle many: stepmothers are by and large the most powerless and vulnerable members of the stepfamily system.
Experts including Jamie Kelem Keshet have found that when a woman marries or partners with a man with children–particularly if she has no children or “mini-family” of her own–she must struggle to find her place, and often feels like an Outsider or interloper. Her partner and his children may not be much help here. He may feel too guilty to show his kids just how important stepmom is to him, and the kids, as Dr. Mavis Hetherington has observed, are often perfectly happy for stepmom to remain on the periphery of conversations and activities, fearful that she will replace them in their father’s affections and the family hierarchy somehow if they let her “in.”
Too often, a stepmother is subjected to stepchildren’s hostility and rejecting behavior–something that is normal, but frequently goes unchecked for far too long (due again to dad’s guilt and fear). If she adheres to mainsteam stepparenting advice (“Leave the disciplining to him; you be the fun friend, etc,”), the woman with younger stepchildren finds herself in a position of having no say about parenting practices in her own home. She may also find that both her husband and her husband’s ex give her “responsibility without authority”–expecting her to pack a stepchild’s lunch just the way he likes it, for example, but telling her she’s crossing a line if she tells the child to turn the TV off.
The stepmother with older or even adult stepchildren is not necessarily exempted from this problem of lack of authority in her own home. Many women told me they had endured snippy remarks and barely veiled hostility from their adult stepchildren, often for decades, because their husbands’ attitude was, “I want us to have a nice time when we’re together, so don’t make a big deal about it. Just let it go.”
This disempowerment in her own home can have dramatic effects. A number of researchers have found that stepmothers are vulnerable to physical threats and abuse in their households: several women I interviewed told me older stepchildren getting physical with them by shoving or pushing them during an altercation. The recent murder of Kenzie Houk, allegedly by her 9-year-old stepson, underscores the fact that, in the tinderbox of stepfamily tensions, stepmothers can easily become victims, sometimes in dramatic and tragic ways.
Other than feeling like and being outsiders, having responsibility without authority, having little say over parenting practices or the rules of civility in her own home, and being emotionally and physically vulnerable, women with stepchildren have other profound vulnerabilities. Canadian researchers have found that, owing to their conviction that they must “blend” the family, and owing also to their fear of being perceived as wicked, stepmothers tend to take on the role of family counsellor and marital therapist, and to bend over backwards to be “perfect.” The result is feelings of exhaustion and burnout. And such feelings, combined with the hostile environment she often finds herself in when the kids are around, prime her for anxiety and clinical depression (ample research shows that stepmothers suffer from markedly higher levels of depression than mothers).
Stepmothers might also find themselves in a disadvantageous financial position. The woman with stepchildren may be asked to sign a pre-nuptial agreement that essentially waives some of her economic rights as a wife under the law, or to contribute to child support and other payments. She may feel that saying no, or being assertive about matters of estate planning and inheritance will be viewed as “wicked,” further undermining her ability to protect her own financial interests. Many women told me they felt pressured to contribute to a stepchild’s school tuition, wedding, or travels in a way that was uncomfortable to them given the unreciprocal nature of the relationship over the years. Simply put, these women felt economically exploited by their husbands, their husband’s exes, and their stepchildren.
And when it comes to wanting children of her own, the childless stepmother may find her husband or partner less than enthused, in spite of what was said earlier in the partnership. Finally, any complaints about her situation are likely to be met with suspicion and a lack of compassion, even by friends, who might say, “What did you expect when you married a guys with kids?” or “Why can’t you just be nice?” The ignorance, judgment, and bias of others adds another layer of stress to the lives of stepmothers.
With Stepmother’s Day coming up on May 17, I’m sure we’re all hoping that we can begin to close the gap between the world’s perceptions of us, and who we really are.
